But I Like That About Me

My makeup settles in the lines around my eyes

But I like that about me.

My temples catch the light on glimmering gray,

But I like that about me.

My skin is no longer bronzed, taut and even,

But I like that about me.

My hands are calloused and my fingers are crooked,

But I like that about me.

My muscles are covered with fleshy softness,

But I like that about me.

My joints feel worked and sometimes ache,

But I like that about me.

My feet grow weary and weathered,

But I like that about me.

My movement is not as agile and swift,

But I like that about me.

My heart has broken into a million pieces- a thousand times,

But I like that about me.

My mind takes a bit longer to process things,

But I like that about me.

My eyes have seen the beauty of the world, squinted with the shine of the sun and crinkled in laughter.

And I like that about me.

The sun catches my locks, but reminds me that the silver on each strand is equal to the lining of the clouds that once seemed so dark.

And I like that about me.

Freckled and mottled, my skin has known the warmth of the sunshine, been stretched with the growing of babies, and chaffed but healed with the bumps of life.

And I like that about me.

These hands are no longer young, smooth and straight, but they have worked hard, are capable and creative, and have nurtured tenderly.

And I like that about me.

My body is not longer taut on the surface, but underneath lie muscles that have carried babies, moved households and carried the weight of the world.

And I like that about me.

Joints creek and moan, but they have climbed hills and mountains, and traveled hundreds of miles.

And I like that about me.

My feet are often weary, but they have stood strong and firm, run the race, and carried me across the finish line more times than can be counted.

And I like that about me.

Movement is slower these days, but I move with intentionality, with purpose and with commitment.

And I like that about me.

My broken heart has mended its million pieces a thousand times, each time bringing me greater understanding, compassion, and empathy.

And I like that about me.

My wit and response may be slower, but it is because I have absorbed more, gained wisdom, and learned to pause and think before acting and responding. 

And I like that about me.

Each line, ache, mark, break, and pause….each perceived imperfection is testament to the perfection of me; a carve in the clay of  great sculpture, a fine patina on the finest copper, or a light catching facet on a brilliant diamond.

I like that about me.

Parenting My Reflection

 As much as I miss my kids being little, I will be honest, I am enjoying being on this side of parenthood.  It's not because I don't cherish and long for recapturing so many of the moments and memories that the younger years brought.  It's not that I was anxious to have my kids grown and independent.  It's not that I looked at parenting as a chore or a burden. It is  because of what parenting taught me about my children, and about me.

Of all of the parenting moments, the challenges taught me the most.

No one ever said parenting was easy. . Whether you are a first time parent or a parent of many children, there are things that challenge us as parents. The tantrums, the attitudes, the seemingly illogical objections to our "suggestions", the quirks and quandary inducing situations often leave us frustrated, confused, angry. The challenges also often leave us feeling like we are failing at parenting.

You should note that I didn't say our children challenge us as parents. There is a very good and important reason for that. It was something I realized when one my children was about 8 years old - and I was tired, confused, frustrated, and feeling like I was failing as a parent. I couldn't figure out what made her tick, what caused the friction, and why she wouldn't "be" the way I thought she should be. As I was standing in the middle of the kitchen trying to (ahem) manage one of her attitudes, it was as if God placed a full length mirror directly in front of me.  I had the immediate and very clear realization that I was parenting my reflection.  That was not easy.

As I stood there, I was humbled at seeing what I perceived as challenges about her transform into the realization that they were challenges in me. To clarify, it was not in actions or reaction - those manifestations in us were very different. The challenges were in what caused and the feelings in the actions and reactions.  The challenge was more pointedly in what cause ME to act or react to things. It was about the things that make me, me; and her... her.

When she would have a rough time with arguing and attitude as we were heading out the door for a last minute plan, I was parenting my own resistance to change.  As she would be frustrated to the point of tearing up a homework assignment that she didn't think was going well, I was parenting my own need for perfection.  When she would fall apart if her sisters interfered in her space, I was parenting my own need for some control over my personal bubble.  As she got worked up, wound up, and wired up when we were out and about, I was parenting my own need for some down time to recharge.  The challenges I saw in her were really the personality traits that I had, that she shared with me.  Eye opening.

This realization was key in helping me to parent her.  It allowed me to remove myself as part of the problem, and become part of the solution.  When I would react to her reaction, the way I was reacting, it became personality traits squared. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.  But when I identified in me what was causing me to react, I could identify (for the most part) what she was reacting to.  Knowing how I successfully manage my own personality traits gave me more tools to help her manage her. It allowed me to see from her perspective and become a proactive part of the solution, instead of part of the problem. 

Was it easy or did it take any less effort? ABSOLUTELY NOT! But, at the end of the effort and work, there was more peace, often resolution, and better understanding of her, and of me. It allowed me to foster and help guide those challenging things - that in reality were personality strengths, both in her AND in myself.  This may be a whole different post at some point, but control can be guided to responsibility, leadership, accountability; perfection can be guided to effort, persistence, passion; need for down time can be guided to self reflection, comfort in independence, and appreciation and understanding of boundaries - each challenge to us, is rooted in a positive personality trait.

The next time you are facing a parenting challenge, step back for a moment and imagine a mirror in front of you.  Look at your reflection and recognize if that challenge is a bigger challenge because of who you are and how you react.  When your children are young, they are not the challenge and never the enemy.  You are the grown up and you are solely responsible for how you act and react.  Parent reflectively and at the very least, you will have more parenting tools, and a better understanding of your child and of yourself and.

My Queendom For Some Sleep! (A Bit of Reflection and A SleepNumber M7 Review)

Do you remember being a kid and hating that you had to go to bed?  It seemed like such a punishment to have to leave the day, leave the action, leave what ever it was you were doing to have to go to  bed.

Do you remember being a teen and having your "bedtime" made later or even lifted? It seemed like such freedom to hang you in your room (of course reading or doing something productive...) till when ever you were tired enough to go to sleep.

Do you remember being a young adult and having the freedom and the fun of staying up or out all night?  Enjoying the nightlife with the after 10 crowd - that was appealing.  Living for the the late nights and the long weekends was the norm.

And then the day came when you could care less about the Night Owl lifestyle. Instead of craving time with friends and fun, instead of trading snoozing for the party scene, instead of trading dreamland for danceland, you'd trade your queendom for a good nights sleep.

When exactly does that transition happen?

Maybe it's the day that we realize that we are on our own and completely responsible for ourselves.  Or, maybe it's the day that we become parents and lose sleep not of our own accord, but because the little one in our house is not sleeping.  Perhaps, it is a certain age that our body just screams STOP and sleep.

I do know that for myself, I transitioned to that place long, long ago. But there was a crazy irony - as soon as I wanted sleep, I couldn't get it.  Work and worry, babies and body aches, traveling husband and teething toddlers, middle-schoolers and mood swings, teens and tumult, college age kids and college sized costs, did enough to keep me awake at night. I wanted and needed a soft place comfy place to lay my head down and slumber peacefully by Mr. Mom of Many Hats side.

But, alas, I found myself like the princess who had the pea under her mattress. Mr. MMH and I had very different ideas of what comfort was. While he slept like a rock, I would wake up feeling like I had slept on rocks.  The few short hours that I was getting each night rested my brain a bit, but not my body.  That comfy place of peaceful slumber passed me by.

SLEEP... I NEEDED SLEEP! And so did he.

Many years ago when we were trying to remedy the sleep inequality in our house, we came across the SleepNumber Brand.  We visited a showroom and tried out the pillow top and memory foam models.  We opted for the pillow top with dual air chambers.  This awesome bed allowed us to each set the perfect amount of firmness for our individual comfort.  Sleeping changed for me.  I was actually getting sleep (although I still should force myself to sleep more hours, but that's another post), and good sleep at that.  It was a Win/Win for both myself and my husband. 

When SleepNumber asked me to review the new P5 or M7 model of the SleepNumber bed, I was more M7 (Memory Foam Series) and see how well it worked for me and my sleep needs. 

Since I had preferred the "P" models years ago, I decided to try the "M" model. I was more than happy to take it for a test sleep!

I slept on the M7 for 7 nights in a row.  In that time, I did my normal daily routines that included all the stresses and strains of daily life and parenting, surviving in the AZ heat, and some pretty tough running, climbing and weight lifting workouts. With the exception of the first night (the newness of sleeping in a different bed), I slept through the night soundly and comfortably.  I had worried that the memory foam would trap heat and would keep me too warm. But the cooling gel technology conformed and supported me (without swallowing me up!) but kept me at a comfortable temp. I was particularly impressed on the third night's sleep when I had done a 4 mile run AND 2.5 hours of hard climbing at the gym.  I adjusted the bed (my sleep number) a bit higher for additional support and woke up with my joints feeling good.

I've recorded much of the process and review in the video below.


When it comes to sleep, we should all know that the CDC recommends 7-9 hours of sleep for adults.  We should also know that our bedding from case to mattress can affect how well we sleep.  Interestingly enough, Mayo Clinic shares the importance of comfort in its tips for a better nights sleep.  But for you and me, as moms or dads, parents or just tired adults, we may not always admit it, but we know we should manage our sleep.  Our queendoms and kingdoms run much smoother when we are well rested!

*Sleep Number (SelectComfort) provided the reviewer the M7 product in exchange for a review. The review is not to be considered a recommendation for you and your personal needs but rather it is an opinion based on the reviewer's observations and experience. Opinions reflected are those of the reviewer alone and are not influenced by the relationship to the provider of the product.

Just A Few More Steps!

Do you ever feel like just giving up?

Some days seem so long and so tedious.  Our day to day duties and responsibilities stretch the hours, the minutes, the moments into a seemingly uphill eternity.  We get lost in the tiredness, the mundane, the never ending list of things to do. Our energy is sapped, our will is tested, and our desire to just push through is all but gone. Throw in crisis, trouble, or just a mere kink in our plans, and we feel that we will never see the top of the hill and get to see the beauty of the accomplishment that lies at the summit.

This is exactly the time that we need to dig deep, find our will and pull from that little hidden bit of energy that every woman - every mom has hidden insider her.  We need to draw on that one last fuse that we know is just waiting to be lit, that will propel us forward and upward.  With that little bit of spark, we can make it to the top of the hill.  If we keep our mind set on not how much further we have to go, but how far we have already come, our perspective shifts.  We find the bit of gusto we need to continue on just a bit more.

Hang in there, you're almost there. It's just a few more steps to the top!

Losing My Marbles

I never really played the game of Marbles. 


But I do remember being fascinated by the gorgeous glass globes and how they changed as they moved, catching the light and spinning around in their glorious colors.  I also remember how they scattered when they hit the surface, like a million little beautiful baubles heading off into the world to bring a bit of joy to every corner they should reach.

In as much pleasure I found in their beauty, I'd find an even bigger measure of frustration in their escape from my control.  Instead of allowing the beauty to be let from my grasp, I'd hold tight to them in my selfishness and thought of losing what was mine, or even more so, feeling the pain of letting what was mine go.  I'd try to contain them, but the more frantically I tried to catch them, the more determined they were to not be confined.

One day I realized something about these marbles.

In as much adoration, energy, thought, wonder, consideration, and fascination I put into the marbles, I was actually afraid of them.  

I was not afraid of the object of the marble itself, but of what it represented to me; of what the value of it actually was; of if it would have meaning to anyone else in the world or would it be a disposed of piece of glass. I was afraid of what the reaction to letting these marbles out into the world would be.  Would the world see me as foolish for having a fascination and dream in something that could be hidden many times over in the palm of a hand? Would the world dispose of me for putting so much passion into the marbles?

In an attempt to protect myself from the fear, as soon as I would let them scatter to see their beauty, I'd frantically try to hide them from the world. Try as I may to keep my collection from being seen by the world, there were always a few that I could not capture. They were out in the world. They were found by someone else, and became their objects of affection. 

These marbles are a lot like the pieces of us.  We believe we have beauty and value to add to the world. We have big ideas and dreams. We are full of ideas and potential. We let it out and watch the beauty spread, but then quickly doubt and reign it back in and hide it away for fear of rejection, fear of judgment, or fear of failure.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder as we've been told. It's not what the world thinks of your marbles that matters. What you think -that is what should matter. So why not let them scatter and take their course? Why not let the marbles roll, reflect light, and adorn the world. After all, those marbles we can't catch- pieces of us that we can't pull back in, often become the success and possessions  of others. Things that could have been ours all along, had we just not been afraid. 

What piece of you, idea, or dream are you afraid to let go into the world?  What  piece of your beauty do let go and then pull back? 

Am I Just An Imposter? Odd Loop Thinking!

Why this happens, I don't know.  

I dive head long into a project, feeling like I am in my element. I feel confident in my knowledge. I prepare, I practice, I deliver.  Often, I will even get accolades for effort and a job well done.


Is the job ever perfect? No.

But is it pretty darn good?  Yes, often it is.

I recently gave a presentation on a workshop I am currently writing.  I delivered the content well. I got a lot of good feedback of what was good, and what could be improved upon. Most of the feedback was good, and the goals of the presentation were met and even exceeded.

Then why was it that as soon as I had delivered, I felt a wave of doubt come over me? Why did I suddenly wonder what the heck I was thinking that I could accomplish?  Why did I feel like an imposter?

I did some self assessing and realized that there are certain instances and areas in my life where that thinking comes in.

In my many roles as "Mom", this type of thinking never creeps in. I am confident and comfortable running my household.  I can multitask and juggle a ton of things like a pro.   I don't ever put a meal on the table or comfort one of my children and then ask myself  "What gives you the authority and the know how to do this?"

But when I am in a situation that I know in my head I can do but is outside of what I see as my  "lived  out" expertise and outside of my peers that share the same expertise, often  I do question myself. Even if I KNOW I have the knowledge and experience to be successful in things outside my daily duties, my emotions often sabotage me.  I don't feel like I am in the "fake it till you make it" spot.  I just feel like I am faking it. I feel like an imposter.

I turned to the almighty Google and looked up the phrase "imposter thinking".  I was wondering if I was alone in this thinking.  Apparently not. I was relieved. This is actually something that many feel. Often, it is women that feel this way.

What am I going to do about it?


I have a plan of action to help me combat this false thinking. These are the steps that I am taking to catch my self in this loop thinking.

• Recognize the type of situation that spawns these thoughts. 
• Remind myself of why I AM the right person to be in that action or role  - even if it means making a written list. 
• Know that I have the knowledge and the ability to perform the role. 
• Remember that a standard of  "expert" is performing a role approximately 10,000 times. In reality there are very few true experts. We are all on fairly level ground. 
• Listen to the voices of those around me that are giving me the outside feedback  of why I am capable for that role. 
• Realize that no person could do that role until they DID perform that role. I am no different.
• Even if I feel that way, to continue on until the feeling subsides. I won't let it get the best of me. 

Instead of getting stuck in the "fake it" phase, I am adopting the mantra "Be It To Become It!".  If I get stuck in either part of that mantra, it is a winning place to be. This way I can take a look at myself and say I feel like the person and the role that I am striving to be. 

How about you...Do you ever feel like you are faking it? 

Breast Cancer Hope - My Sister's Story

I wrote this three years ago this month, but needed to share it again. If you are a woman or a man, you MUST KNOW ABOUT INFLAMMATORY BREAST CANCER! The side bar shows a list of symptoms to look for. Google it, research it, know about it. Below are some links to assist you.


Please read the follow up on Amy's story at the end of this post.


My Sister's Story


Although this is written mostly from my perspective, I write this entry with the permission of my beautiful sister Amy who is a true warrior and survivor.


I remember the day last February that my sister called me.


I was sitting in my car in the parking lot at the community college where I was taking classes. My phone range, and on the other end of the line was my sister, barely able to speak. She was in tears after leaving her general practitioner's office and on her way to a breast surgeon. Her doctor had sent her from his office, directly to a specialist because of the urgency of his suspected diagnosis.


I went home and researched the symptoms she had that caused her doctor alarm and prayed that his suspicions were wrong. The information I found was scary, devastating, and grim. It said that, if her doctor was right, the statistics said that there was only about a 20% survival rate.


She called me that night and confirmed that her general practitioner's suspicions were right. She had inflammatory breast cancer.


The next several weeks were so difficult. There was a complete feeling of helplessness, fear, and hopelessness as we learned more about this type of cancer. As a family we were grieving.


But, soon after her treatment started, we saw that there was hope.


Amy began and aggressive course of chemotherapy. Within four months of treatment, her MRI and other scans showed that the cancer was slowing, retreating, and inactive. She had a radical mastectomy six months after her diagnosis and healed well. Additional scans and MRIs showed that her body was holding up well and responding to treatment. Her doctors are very happy with her progress.


Some of the hope comes from two drugs that are being used in the course of her treatment. The first is Zometa. This was originally used to strengthen bones, but according to Breastcancer.org, it has been shown to help prevent the spread of breast cancer tumors. The second drug is herceptin. Herceptin works by blocking receptors on cancer cells. By blocking the receptors, the cancer doesn't get growth signals, and therefore, stops growing. *


Another source of hope is that she has seen doctors that don't use a 'one size fits all' approach to treating her cancer. Her doctors have taken the time to understand who she is, what her cancer is, and how they can best treat her. Many of them specialize in only breast cancer treatment. From the cocktail of medications in her chemotherapy, to the surgical aspect of her treatment, to the physical and psychological aspects of her healing, her doctors see her as an individual, not a statistic.


There is hope in that there are many organizations dedicated detection, prevention and finding a cure for breast cancer. All over the country, groups gather to walk and run in support of breast cancer research. Corporations donate portions of sales of certain items to breast cancer research foundations. There is hope that each day research is done, is one day closer to a cure.


Although there is an incredible amount of hope in what can be done through people, the greatest hope is in the faith that she has, and that we have as a family. From the moment she was diagnosed, she has had an army of supporters around her. She is loved and prayed for on a daily basis by every one of them. As a family of faith, we believe in the power of prayer and are confident that she will find healing. We know that God is in control of every situation, especially this one.


That day in February started a long and dark night. But, as hope has set in, the sun is rising again, shining bright on my beautiful true warrior and survivor sister, Amy.




Update, Oct 2011. Amy is still fighting - a true warrior. Part of her treatment was a mod-rad mastectomy. She has undergone collectively 24 months of chemotherapy and a round of radiation. She is still in treatment and we still maintain hope in her full healing of Inflammatory Breast Cancer!


To read her full story, Please visit her site:


Amy's journey with IBC can be found at her website.
http://www.familyaffairratz.com/Amy_s_Battle_I.B.C.html


IBC Info:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/inflammatory-breast-cancer/DS00632
http://www.ibcresearch.org/


*Breastcancer.org
If you have a hope story, please be a blessing to someone who is in the battle. Reach out in an e-mail, phone call, or response to this post.


Next post: Cancer Blessings

My Sister's Cancer

I am writing this with the permission of my beautiful sister, Amy.

Several months ago, Amy noticed some changes in her breast. But, she didn't think much of it. Like many women her breasts had always been a little lopsided, so when that increased, it wasn't that concerning to her. She felt some fullness ans soreness, but she had breast fed her son when he was a baby, and the feeling felt similar to when it was time for him to nurse. Her breast looked rashy and was a little itchy, but she thought that maybe her skin was irritated from her laundry detergent.

Because of our family history, Amy had been diligent about doing self exams and had even had a clean mammogram the year prior. But when she went to her general practitioner in February 2008 for a bout of the flu, she had him look at it. That day, her doctor sent her directly to a breast surgeon and she got a diagnosis of inflammatory breast cancer - IBC. That day my sister, began the fight for and of her life.

IBC is an aggressive form of breast cancer that causes the appearance of inflammation in the breast. It is usually in a later stage at diagnosis. Amy was diagnosed in stage IV. Her cancer had already metastasized to her spine, ribs and hip bone when it was found.

Immediately after her diagnosis, she went on disability leave from her job as a teacher. She very rapidly began her treatment. She began with a six session round of chemotherapy - one week of chemo and three weeks off to recover from the chemo - until all six were completed. The chemo was rough. She lost her hair and battled depression. She went through a series of shots each week to either boost her immune system, suppress a particular protein in her body or strengthen her bones.

After her first round of chemotherapy, she had a radical mastectomy. The surgeon to took all of her breast tissue, some skin and tissue from under her arm, and seventeen lymph nodes. She underwent and is still undergoing some independent physical therapy exercise to keep her mobility and to help with some nerve damage caused by the procedure.

She is currently undergoing another round of chemotherapy. This time it is three weeks of chemotherapy and one week without. She is still taking the medications to strengthen her bones and immunity, as well as the medication to suppress the protein.

Through this battle, Amy has relied on her doctors, her family, her friends and her faith. She is showing great progress. All the tests and scans that she has taken so far show that she is responding well to her treatment. We don't necessarily understand every medical term that the doctors use, but we know for now that active cancer is not visible on the scans and that it has not spread any further.

As women, we need to know our bodies and be proactive and educate ourselves about issues such as inflammatory breast cancer -IBC. We need to look at credible sources on how to detect and protect ourselves from breast cancer, a disease that affects so many.

As I said before, Amy knew her family history. She knew to have mammograms. Amy knew to look for a lump when doing her self breast exams. But knowing that information wasn't enough. Her cancer was not in the form of a lump.

Posted on the side bar is the acronym SISTER that outlines some of the visible symptoms of IBC. Please feel free to use it as a reminder of not only knowing what your healthy breast feels like, but also what it looks like. Also posted are some links to websites to help you find more information about breast cancer.