But I Like That About Me

My makeup settles in the lines around my eyes

But I like that about me.

My temples catch the light on glimmering gray,

But I like that about me.

My skin is no longer bronzed, taut and even,

But I like that about me.

My hands are calloused and my fingers are crooked,

But I like that about me.

My muscles are covered with fleshy softness,

But I like that about me.

My joints feel worked and sometimes ache,

But I like that about me.

My feet grow weary and weathered,

But I like that about me.

My movement is not as agile and swift,

But I like that about me.

My heart has broken into a million pieces- a thousand times,

But I like that about me.

My mind takes a bit longer to process things,

But I like that about me.

My eyes have seen the beauty of the world, squinted with the shine of the sun and crinkled in laughter.

And I like that about me.

The sun catches my locks, but reminds me that the silver on each strand is equal to the lining of the clouds that once seemed so dark.

And I like that about me.

Freckled and mottled, my skin has known the warmth of the sunshine, been stretched with the growing of babies, and chaffed but healed with the bumps of life.

And I like that about me.

These hands are no longer young, smooth and straight, but they have worked hard, are capable and creative, and have nurtured tenderly.

And I like that about me.

My body is not longer taut on the surface, but underneath lie muscles that have carried babies, moved households and carried the weight of the world.

And I like that about me.

Joints creek and moan, but they have climbed hills and mountains, and traveled hundreds of miles.

And I like that about me.

My feet are often weary, but they have stood strong and firm, run the race, and carried me across the finish line more times than can be counted.

And I like that about me.

Movement is slower these days, but I move with intentionality, with purpose and with commitment.

And I like that about me.

My broken heart has mended its million pieces a thousand times, each time bringing me greater understanding, compassion, and empathy.

And I like that about me.

My wit and response may be slower, but it is because I have absorbed more, gained wisdom, and learned to pause and think before acting and responding. 

And I like that about me.

Each line, ache, mark, break, and pause….each perceived imperfection is testament to the perfection of me; a carve in the clay of  great sculpture, a fine patina on the finest copper, or a light catching facet on a brilliant diamond.

I like that about me.

For Amy

This is not a typical post for AZ Mom of Many Hats.

But, Amy is not a typical person.  She is my sister. She is amazing.

I have posted about Amy several times before over the last five years.  The first post My Sister's Cancer being about finding out in February 2008 that she was diagnosed in Stage IV Inflammatory Breast Cancer - an invasive and very aggressive form of breast cancer that does not generally have a defined lump.  There were successive posts on her journey and battle - many of them that brought hope and some that brought angst. All of them were in honor or celebration of her - and for a kick in the ass to the bastard of cancer.

This post is no different.

Amy is larger than life.  From her colorful hair to her love of fancy rats, there is nothing about her that is not vibrant, interesting, and totally genuine.  Each person that knows her would describe her essence as strong, witty, straight forward, authentic, dedicated, compassionate, and even snarky.  As a woman with a teacher's heart, a deep and devoted faith, a compassionate heart for all of God's people and creatures, and a strong sense of right, her actions towards the world have influenced, touched, and nurtured her family, our larger family, friends, students, colleagues and even some she has never met.

She is a force to be reckoned with in this world - in a good way.  I say it again... She is amazing.

On November 12, 2012 the world forever changed.  After many valiantly fought battles, at the age of 45, Amy passed away of Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC). She fought through chemo and radiation and all of the possible side effects that come with both. She showed strength and grace as she pushed her tired body through the day to day as best as she could - volunteering, mentoring, running her rattery,  being mom, wife, daughter and sister, singing on the worship team at her church. She fought hard, she fought long, and she fought admirably.

My heart, our family's hearts are so heavy and our existence will never be the same.  We no longer have the physical presence of Amy as mom, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, friend.  We will forever miss her presence here and always long for more time with her. But, the force of Amy, her essence can't be defeated. In that we find some peace.

Through her fight, many were educated about Inflammatory Breast Cancer.  Her teacher's heart wasn't stilled by the battle.  

Through her fight, she showed strength and grace. Her spirit wasn't crushed by the battle. 

Through her fight, she showed tremendous love for others.  Her compassion wasn't soured by the battle.

Through her fight, she showed what it was let go of things out of her control.  Her will wasn't destroyed by the battle. 

Through her fight, she left the lessons, the words, the actions, and the seeds that her family needs to move forward and be strong and good men in the world.  Her loving, nurturing and mothering were strengthened ten-fold by the battle.

Through her fight, her identity never became Amy, the Inflammatory Breast Cancer patient.  She was always Amy, who happened to have this battle present in her life. 

Through her fight she remained rooted in her faith, even when she didn't understand why this battle was hers.  The battle didn't destroy her trust and faith in God and her Salvation.   

She could not win every battle. But she NEVER lost the war.  Today she is singing and enjoying the splendor of HIS courts.  She is in perfect peace and whole.  That is something that cancer could never take from her.

Don't Let the Silence Continue

Women, men, physicians - please learn about Inflammatory Breast Cancer - IBC.  There is so much progress in many areas of breast cancer research and treatment.  We hear about that all of the time in the "pink" campaigns. What we don't hear is the dark side of breast cancer - the types of breast cancer like IBC, and that MOST women diagnosed with a cancer like IBC will die. Whether it is unpopular, unwillingness, or unawareness, this conversation in the breast cancer dialog is rarely had.  The silence is killing women, and men.

We knew about breast cancer.  We didn't know about Inflammatory Breast Cancer.

Learn more about Inflammatory Breast Cancer at:

The IBC Network
http://www.TheIBCNetwork.org

MD Anderson Cancer Center
http://www.mdanderson.org/education-and-research/departments-programs-and-labs/programs-centers-institutes/inflammatory-breast-cancer-research-program/index.html

Thanksgiving Blessings

After the Turkey, stuffing and pie,

I sit and reflect upon the year that's gone by.

I count all my gains, gifts and blessings,

and chose to forget my misfortunes and messings.

I think of my family, husband, children and me,

and know that we've been given more gifts than we need.

A beautiful home, cars, and things all around,

we all are so grateful for these blessings abound.

But, these blessings of things don't satisfy my heart,

and through these lines, I wish to impart,

The things that are truly a blessing to my soul,

are these intangible things that make me feel whole.

Like my children laughing and loving each other,

and having them know they can count on their mother.

For a husband who loves me in spite of my faults,

and learned, just for me, a wedding day waltz.

For a God who greater, could there never be one,

who loves me so much that He sent me his Son

And a country where I am allowed to be me,

the home of the brave and the land of the free.

These things I don't own and could never have bought,

but through their gain, great blessing I got.

After the turkey, stuffing and pie,

Will you sit and reflect on the year that's gone by?

Things are not always easy.  It has been a tough year for many that are reading this.  But, even among the hard times and darkness, there is room in  our hearts for gratitude.

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? 

Growing the Good

Is there a reason why bad things in life happen? When the garden of our lives are full of abundance, why do they sometimes get plundered?

We search for meaning in the tough parts of life.  We have a desire to know why a tragedy happened, why we lost a job, a home or a loved one. Our efforts are spend figuring out why as an individual, a community, or a nation has suffered a loss. 

In those moments of trouble, if we know we have not been doing all we could to prevent the trouble in the first place, hopefully we can see where we could have changed course and we can take steps to correct our paths in the future.  But when we are moving along, doing what we should, when we should, and why we should - that is a different story. 

Life is suddenly changes.  The smooth soil of our existence is suddenly overturned, with it taking the things that we have worked so hard to grow in the gardens of our life.  Our happiness is shaken and battered.  Our home life can be uprooted.  Our sense of security and ability to see forward to brighter days can be buried underneath, hidden by the darkness of all that has fallen upon it.  We try and try to till the soil, to bring it back to it's normal state.  We look for remedy and reason, but the garden just does not go back to what it was before the trials hit. 

The garden of life gets overturned  and plundered for so many.  We may know the person or the tool used. We may even know the reason why the person or tool was used. But we struggle to find a reason why it was OUR lives that were a part of the reaping. 

However, what often gets planted after the bad things in life offers hope. Compassion and understanding from ourselves to others and from others to us, become the seeds of new life. With the water of patience and the sunlight of care, seedlings emerge and a new and different abundance fills our soil.  The garden can flourish and thrive again. And in time, the garden returns.

The reason why it was our garden my never be answered. But, goodness and kindness that others and ourselves are willing and compelled to give to those who are suffering offers hope, faith and a sense of security.  It plants the seeds that allow life to continue on, differently than before, but with the ability to once again be abundant. From the destruction and darkness the garden springs back to life, and it is Growing the Good.

Communication Counts

As I was perusing my plethora of social media the other day, I came across a post that stopped me in my tracks.  It was a post of a person that I followed personally as well as professionally.  This post stood out.  And, it made me think.

Would you stop business or un-follow a person based on the things that they are willing to put in print?

What the actual post I encountered said verbatim really doesn’t matter. But the feeling and the attitude of it did.  It was divisive, it was hurtful, and it was enough to make me question the judgment of the poster. Although it was not directed at me personally, it was a clear slam on a belief of mine. It was not a sharing of their personal beliefs. It was a mocking and attack on others beliefs. That is divisive, and a poor use of words and communication. 

I had been prepared to use this person’s professional services.  They are clearly passionate about what it is they are doing professionally. However, the post made me question their character and decision making abilities.  I chose to not use their services.

Communication Counts.

Sharing about personal experiences or personal beliefs in the context of sharing is a window into who we are. It is welcoming, and lets the other know what we are about and what makes us tick. It creates a space for us to know each other. Sadly, criticizing, slamming, putting down, minimizing, also tells others who we are.  That’s probably not the impression we really want to leave others with.

Once something is said, put in print, or communicated, it can never be totally taken back. The message has been received by someone. Choose words carefully, but be genuine.  Ensure the words, the photo, the captions, communicate the intended message.  Step into a receiver’s shoes and think about the impact it will have on them and the connection or divisions they will feel. Realize that words have a lot of power.  Realize that what is said will have an impact personally and professionally for the person speaking as well as the person hearing.

A great idea, a great opportunity, a great friendship, a great connection, or a great business relationship will never happen if the ability to effectively communicate is not there. Communication is more than just words strung together.  It’s meaning, intent, context, emotion, and timing as well.  Before using the mouth to speak or the fingers to type, it is wise to use the mind to think first.

Realize that communication counts.

Would you unfriend, unfollow, or not do business with someone based on what they communicate? 

Refiner's Fire

re⋅fine–verb (used with object)

1.	to bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities: to refine metal, sugar, or petroleum.

2.	to purify from what is coarse, vulgar, or debasing; make elegant or cultured.

3.	to bring to a finer state or form by purifying.

According to Dictionary.com these are some of the definitions of refine.

There are many things that that we use every day that are refined. If you drive a car, you use refined oil products. Unless you have fasted, you probably eat refined sugar that is in some food almost everyday. If you are wearing any piece of gold...you got it...it has been refined.

I'm not sure of how the oil and sugar are refined, but I do know that gold is refined by fire. Gold is heated up by fire to the melting point. As the gold heats up, the impurities rise to the surface. They are separated from the gold. The more it is heated, the more impurities are pulled out and drained off. What is left behind is cleaned, refined and pure gold. *

Life feels like the refiner's fire sometimes...OK most of the time. Anything that causes us to stretch or grow is like a flicker of the flames. These everyday things bring stuff to the surface and separate it from our old selves and leaves behind something just a bit purer and refined. Learning something new, making a new friend, or stepping out of comfort zones are like the flickers. They are good and part of the process. We generally are ok with this kind of heat in life.

But, there is also the white hot core of the fire and the raging flames of life that truly melt us. These flames break us down, burn us up, and liquefy our souls. They humble, scare, and cause us to question who we are and what our purpose is. They pull out the impurities that keep us from being who we are capable of being, responsible to be, and know we should be. We don't like this kind of heat.

This heat comes in many forms. It may the loss of someone or something. It may be struggles with a spouse or significant other. Perhaps, amid the joy children bring, it is the struggles of raising them and watching them feel the fire of life. It could be it's finances. Maybe it's an internal struggle within one's self. Whatever the source is, this fire is hot and it hurts.

Unfortunately, we have no choice but to walk through the refining fire. It is part of life. It makes us who we are.

As a woman of faith, I know that I will not have completed my walk through the Refiner's Fire in this life. But I also know that the heat I face in life will not leave me in ashes, but will serve to refine me and each day bring me a bit closer to the day that I am pure as gold.


*http://www.e-goldprospecting.com/html/gold_refining.html