Am I Just An Imposter? Odd Loop Thinking!

Why this happens, I don't know.  

I dive head long into a project, feeling like I am in my element. I feel confident in my knowledge. I prepare, I practice, I deliver.  Often, I will even get accolades for effort and a job well done.


Is the job ever perfect? No.

But is it pretty darn good?  Yes, often it is.

I recently gave a presentation on a workshop I am currently writing.  I delivered the content well. I got a lot of good feedback of what was good, and what could be improved upon. Most of the feedback was good, and the goals of the presentation were met and even exceeded.

Then why was it that as soon as I had delivered, I felt a wave of doubt come over me? Why did I suddenly wonder what the heck I was thinking that I could accomplish?  Why did I feel like an imposter?

I did some self assessing and realized that there are certain instances and areas in my life where that thinking comes in.

In my many roles as "Mom", this type of thinking never creeps in. I am confident and comfortable running my household.  I can multitask and juggle a ton of things like a pro.   I don't ever put a meal on the table or comfort one of my children and then ask myself  "What gives you the authority and the know how to do this?"

But when I am in a situation that I know in my head I can do but is outside of what I see as my  "lived  out" expertise and outside of my peers that share the same expertise, often  I do question myself. Even if I KNOW I have the knowledge and experience to be successful in things outside my daily duties, my emotions often sabotage me.  I don't feel like I am in the "fake it till you make it" spot.  I just feel like I am faking it. I feel like an imposter.

I turned to the almighty Google and looked up the phrase "imposter thinking".  I was wondering if I was alone in this thinking.  Apparently not. I was relieved. This is actually something that many feel. Often, it is women that feel this way.

What am I going to do about it?


I have a plan of action to help me combat this false thinking. These are the steps that I am taking to catch my self in this loop thinking.

• Recognize the type of situation that spawns these thoughts. 
• Remind myself of why I AM the right person to be in that action or role  - even if it means making a written list. 
• Know that I have the knowledge and the ability to perform the role. 
• Remember that a standard of  "expert" is performing a role approximately 10,000 times. In reality there are very few true experts. We are all on fairly level ground. 
• Listen to the voices of those around me that are giving me the outside feedback  of why I am capable for that role. 
• Realize that no person could do that role until they DID perform that role. I am no different.
• Even if I feel that way, to continue on until the feeling subsides. I won't let it get the best of me. 

Instead of getting stuck in the "fake it" phase, I am adopting the mantra "Be It To Become It!".  If I get stuck in either part of that mantra, it is a winning place to be. This way I can take a look at myself and say I feel like the person and the role that I am striving to be. 

How about you...Do you ever feel like you are faking it? 

Communication Counts

As I was perusing my plethora of social media the other day, I came across a post that stopped me in my tracks.  It was a post of a person that I followed personally as well as professionally.  This post stood out.  And, it made me think.

Would you stop business or un-follow a person based on the things that they are willing to put in print?

What the actual post I encountered said verbatim really doesn’t matter. But the feeling and the attitude of it did.  It was divisive, it was hurtful, and it was enough to make me question the judgment of the poster. Although it was not directed at me personally, it was a clear slam on a belief of mine. It was not a sharing of their personal beliefs. It was a mocking and attack on others beliefs. That is divisive, and a poor use of words and communication. 

I had been prepared to use this person’s professional services.  They are clearly passionate about what it is they are doing professionally. However, the post made me question their character and decision making abilities.  I chose to not use their services.

Communication Counts.

Sharing about personal experiences or personal beliefs in the context of sharing is a window into who we are. It is welcoming, and lets the other know what we are about and what makes us tick. It creates a space for us to know each other. Sadly, criticizing, slamming, putting down, minimizing, also tells others who we are.  That’s probably not the impression we really want to leave others with.

Once something is said, put in print, or communicated, it can never be totally taken back. The message has been received by someone. Choose words carefully, but be genuine.  Ensure the words, the photo, the captions, communicate the intended message.  Step into a receiver’s shoes and think about the impact it will have on them and the connection or divisions they will feel. Realize that words have a lot of power.  Realize that what is said will have an impact personally and professionally for the person speaking as well as the person hearing.

A great idea, a great opportunity, a great friendship, a great connection, or a great business relationship will never happen if the ability to effectively communicate is not there. Communication is more than just words strung together.  It’s meaning, intent, context, emotion, and timing as well.  Before using the mouth to speak or the fingers to type, it is wise to use the mind to think first.

Realize that communication counts.

Would you unfriend, unfollow, or not do business with someone based on what they communicate? 

Rearranging the Furniture

Change

One of my daughters recently posted on her Facebook page that she had a sudden awareness that things will "never be the same." Knowing my daughter as I do, I knew that this was not a some sort of cryptic message, lament about impending doom, or teenage melodramatics. I knew that she was pondering something deep and moving as she was coming to realizations about life and growing up.

The funny thing is, that feeling isn't limited to a teenager realizing that she and those around her are growing up and moving on. As we get ready to move on to different phases of life, or if something major happens in our life plans - things change. I think we all get to feeling that way... that things will never be the same.

Change is Continual

The truth of the matter is that life is a series of constant changes and movements. It never does really stay the same. Children grow and move out of house and away from home. Many friends come into our lives for a season and then move on as we welcome other friends in. Some stay with us for a lifetime but even those relationships are in a constant state of change. Loved ones are with us, shape us, form us, and then pass on. Jobs, skills, and interests wax and wane through our years. Whether we want it to or not, time, life, the world, even we are in a constant state of change.

However, we can take some comfort in some of the constants.

Our Life as A Home

If we look at our lives like a home that we are building for our selves to inhabit, we can see all these things that change as pieces of furniture to put into that house. The pieces are heirlooms, pieces of comfort, pieces of whimsical enjoyment, and practical and logical pieces. Some are steeped in tradition and represent our values and attitudes. Some provided for us and our children. Some we outgrew, others have lasted and grown with us. Many of the pieces are prominently displayed for a lifetime, while others are tucked away in the attic or basement. Regardless of how these pieces look now, where they are placed or stored, they are all real and have some sort of lasting presence. The change is not a disappearance of the furniture, it is simply a rearranging of it.

Life is Not Static

Life is not static. Life is dynamic, ever evolving and changing. Change is not a disappearance of the pieces, it is simply them moving around. We could benefit from not mourning the loss of what was, but by looking at the change of a rearranging of the furniture in our lives.

What do you think?

Shining Bright in Life Changing Events

Our existence is full of life changing events.

We experience many events in life that change us. Sometimes the events are something we are expecting to come along and we can prepare somewhat for them. Sometimes the events are a complete, out of left field, out right shock.

The events can be good and move us in positive directions - an unexpected job promotion, meeting the special someone, winning the lottery (hey I can dream....). We like the good events. We even welcome them. Those types of events help us keep a positive outlook . They confirm that our existence is running smoothly, moving forward, and moving upward. They give us in some ways, affirmation of our worth, our ability, and our importance in the world. Our view of the world around us is less cynical and critical when we feel good about how bright our own personal light is shining.

But the events can be difficult, hurtful, and turn our lives upside down - the loss of a loved one or relationship, betrayal, injury or illness. We don't like those events. Who would? They shake us to our core, make us question who we are and who others are. They can damage the way we look at our selves and the world around us. Often these types of events take away the things that give us our value, our sense of self or worth, or even the thing that our world revolves around. We can become angry, cynical and stuck in a "victimized" state of mind. Our flame falters and our light is dimmed.

We have have natural tendencies of how we handle them.

Positive reactions to good events and negative reactions to the tough events is probably our natural tendency and not really all that unexpected. The reactions to the good events... well we can probably get through life just fine by letting those events build us up. It's the tough events that we need to watch out for. To live a healthy and fulfilled life we often will need to go against our natural instinct and tendency in how we let those events change us.


But, we do have a choice in many of the ways in which the events change us!

Of course we need to not deny the event and fully process and deal with it. We need to grieve appropriately. But once that process is done, instead of being focused on what was lost, we need to choose to shift to what we still have, what we have gained, or what was always there that we did not see. It is not always easy, but it is necessary. If we have lost a relationship, we may have gained a piece of ourselves back that was lacking because of it, or it may lead to a more fulfilling one. If we have been betrayed, we have gained insight and can have better discernment the next time. If we have lost an ability, we can find, claim and hone others. We can use the events to realize how amazing we still are.

We have a choice in how the events of life change us. The good ones are an amazing gift that fan our flames and make us bright. But when the bad ones come along, we have a choice to let it snuff out or light, or find new kindling and fuel for the fire.

Fortyness - Owning the Foundation

Have you ever built a house of cards? Have you ever played that marble game where the players pull the sticks and see who's final pull drops all of the marbles?

I guess in theory these are sort of opposites - one game builds up, the other takes down. But, one thing they do have in common is that they are both a lot like life in Fortyness.

Both games have multiple pieces. All of the pieces work together to build a structure that is the crux of the game. A deck of cards has 52 "pieces" that are stacked, leaned and balanced to create a finished structure. The marble game has a multitude of sticks that are threaded together in a tower to create a net in which the marbles are poured.

In both games, the object is to keep something from falling. The one who places the card that makes the house fall is the one who loses the game. The ill-fated stick pull that dumps all of the marbles leaves one unlucky player in last place. The goal for either is to win the game.

Both games are a challenge individually and against other players in the game. There is individual strategy that each player employs to position themselves to win the game. Yet, no matter what plans are made, they are constantly changing, altered, and manipulated by the moves that others make. They both take quick thinking, rethinking, and flexibility to finish the game - win or lose.

There is one final way that the games are similar. It is not in the goal, the strategy or the end result in the game. It is in what is overlooked. In playing both games, of course the players find a space that is large enough to play the game. But how often is the foundation considered an integral part of the game?

So how is this like life in Fortyness?

At this point in life we have been in the game of life for a while. We have stacked the cards, come up with strategies, figured out how play off of others moves, and probably had our fair share of wins. We've been focused on admiring the house, looking at our stacks of sticks successfully pulled and ultimately winning the game - or goals that we have set.

However, in Fortyness, we've also had some losses. This is where the foundation that the game is played on is important.

The right foundation creates stability. The house of cards needs a base that is stable, sturdy, and level so that the house doesn't start out doomed. The sticks that hold the marbles are threaded through a foundation that keeps them firmly in place until they are pulled by the players. As we stack our cards and pull our sticks of life, if we have taken ownership of our foundation, we are in a better place to have our structures hold strong. Even more important, if our structures do fall, then we have a firm place to rebuild from.

In Fortyness, we must own our foundations - maintain them and repair them when needed. This part of the game is not dependent on any other player but ourselves. With the proper care, we can keep the foundation strong and buildable as we play and replay the game of life.

Memories

I am going to dedicate this post to memories today.

It is a day that, if you lived anywhere in the US, you can probably recall with very vivid memory. I know I can. In fact, I am writing this, sitting in the same restaurant chain where I met a friend to pray with shortly after the attacks happened. I needed her support that day. I feared for my family in New York. I briefly panicked when I couldn’t remember if and where my husband was traveling that week. I remember my daughter coming home from school in tears because her school wouldn’t let me call her to see if her great grandmother in New York was OK. I so clearly remember thinking that life would never be anywhere near normal again. The feelings, the fear, the flow and the events of that day are burned in my memory and probably will be for as long as I have cognitive function……

This memory is extremely powerful. It has changed my perception of a lot of things. Although I have always respected those in public service, I have an even greater appreciation for the sacrifices that public servants make to protect their fellow man. I am much more aware of what is going on in the world, and make a conscious effort to understand those that are different than me. I pay more attention to my surroundings. I look for exit signs and escape routs when I am in public places. Overall, I realize the world is not always a safe place.

But, even though my perceptions have changed, that event and this memory does not define me. It does not change who I am or control me. As much as the horror of that day could have crippled me and the rest of this country, I took strength and shelter in my loved ones, my community, my places of worship, and my faith in this country. I did not let this event or this memory take over my life.

This memory is specific to September 11, 2001. I know that this was a day of unfathomable pain for so many. I can not even imagine what so many others went through, and I would never even think of trying to minimize or deny those people their pain.

But, any memory, whether it be of this day or another memory, does not have to define us. Our memories and experiences will undoubtedly change our perceptions and become a part of our personal stories. But, we do have the ability to use those memories to make a difference in ourselves, in our relationships, or in our communities.