They're Watching...

I was at the climbing gym with my middle daughter. She shared with me that I inspired her to step just a bit more. When we climb, even when I am tired, I push myself to do just one more wall, even though I know it's going to be tough. She told me that example inspires her to step out with just a bit more effort than she THINKS she has. That moment showed me how important my example to my daughters is and how important it is for me to recognize my own determination.

My oldest daughter was making her first big move away for a job and was having some anxiety over the change.  We talked about all the wonderful things that it could bring, but also that if she didn't like it, that the changes she makes in life never have to be permanent. She went on to make the move and had a wonderful growing experience but realized she wanted to be closer to family. After about 18 months she moved back. She also updated her favorite quote on Facebook to read

 "Nothing ever has to be permanent. ~ My Mom"

That showed me how impacting and lasting my words to my daughters can be. 

My youngest daughter took her first summer job.  When she started we let her know that she was responsible for getting up on her own and too work on her own.  That's a challenge for any first job, but even more considering that she had to be at work at 7am every day, and that she does not yet drive.  We have always given them accountability over themselves- the level increased as they got older.  She took on her responsibility and did it all summer long without complaining.  That showed me the importance of teaching them life skill and responsibility.  It stays with them as the step off into the world.

All of these things were not overt lessons that happened in single conversations or commands barked- although conversations were had.  They were more of lessons by example, consistency, and perseverance.  My children watched me, listened to my words, and learned from the boundaries and responsibilities of our household.  

As parents, it's difficult to see the rewards and the progress of parenting in each day.  But, it does come.  As they step into the world the impact you have had shines directly back to you like your reflection in a mirror.  They have been absorbing  how to be in the world through their relationship with you.  Certainly social examples have an influence, but at the core of their foundation, what they have watched and learned from you is what steers them. It is a huge responsibility to be such a large part of their compass.  

The next decision you make, the next words you speak, the next time you handle anger or failure, the next crisis you navigate, the next triumph you have, the next goal you work towards, the next time you show compassion - keep in mind that it sets the narrative of who your children are and how they have learned to be in the world. They can be either empowered or encumbered by what they see.  Choose wisely and steward your life in the way that fills their understanding with useful tools. 

Remember - they're watching...

The ToolBox - Fill the Box Now, Be Their Friend Later

“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.” 

― Anne Frank

I would love it if I could give my kids everything they wanted...

But I can't. 

Even if I could, I wouldn't. My conscience, my judgement, my heart, and my parental responsibility would not let me. 

I would love to be my children's best friend...

But I can't.

Even if I could, I wouldn't. That is not my role. At least it's not my role while they are minor children, under my care, still maturing and growing to adulthood.  I guess I could have taken the role of friend instead of parent, but my conscience, my judgment, my heart, and my parental responsibility would not let me. 

I would have loved to make every path clear, every job easy, every relationship without trouble, every class fun, every game winnable, every action rewardable.... 

But I can't.

Even if I could, I wouldn't.  That may have been in some way possible, but not at all realistic or representative of what life is.  I could shelter them, fight every battle, and make their existence nothing but easy and fun, but my conscience, my judgment, my heart, and my parental responsibility would not let me. 

In the short term, eliminating any wants or obstacles in your children's lives may seem like an expression of love and caring.  It may seem to you that it is a way of taking care of and protecting them.  To make a path easy for them gets them further along the road.  Giving them what they want fulfills their desires for things.  Being a friend instead of holding then accountable and towing the line might feel like it's creating connection.  

The truth: That is the easy road for you. It also creates a tougher road for them when they are out in the world. 

Your job, my job, our job is to be parents and to ready them for the world.  A parent's job is to fill their child's toolbox with the tools they will need to be in it successfully. 

As a grown-up you know that the world is nothing like living at mom and dad's house with them taking care of the necessities of life.  It can be a great place, but it is not always an easy place.  It takes hard work, tenacity, willingness to stretch yourself, understanding and ability to cope with failures along with the successes, and knowing that things don't always go the way you want them to.  You have to problem solve, get along with people you don't always like, sometimes work in situations that are less than what you would like them to be, and earn your successes.  

As parent, it is your job to balance your care and protection with preparing your children for the world- a world that is not going to coddle them.  To do that, they need a toolbox stocked with the tools that will help them build a life in a world that looks very different from mom and dad's house. 

The world will hold them accountable and responsible for their actions. Give them this tool by holding them accountable and responsible for their actions and words. 

The world will not reward them for simply stepping into it.  They will fail at things in life as adults.  Prepare them with the tools for it by letting them fail at things sometimes. It is hard not to save them from it when you can, but the short term benefit of a better feeling in the moment becomes a long term obstacle when they don't know how to accept, learn from, and recover from it in the world. 

The world will not give the everything they want. Just like the rest of us, there will be some things that they get, some things they will have to work for, and some things that just never may come. Give them the tool of having joy with what's in front of them, and the ability to find happiness even when they don't have their every wish fulfilled. Don't grant every "want".  Give them everything they need, and some of what they want - but not everything. Give them the tool of knowing the difference between a need and a want by understanding the difference yourself. 

They will need to learn empathy, sympathy, the ability to feel joy and sadness, how to live a healthy lifestyle, and understanding of money and responsible use of it, self respect, respect for others, determination, tenacity, will, drive, how to rest, how to love... the list of tools goes on and on.  It is parent responsibility to send them into the world with a full tool box. 

It's not an easy job, but you are the best and most influential person for the job. When you are weary and feeling like the "bad guy", just recite this to yourself: Today I know that Parenting is a tiring job but a worthy one. Our duty is to give them the tools they need to be in the world. It is their job to open the tool box and use them.

Be their parent now.  Your reward of being their friend will come. 

New Week Notions - Mountains

In every phase of parenting, relationships, jobs, and life, we face mountains.  They are an inevitable part of our travel on our own personal roads.  However, as moms and dads, the mountains seem to have such a huge significance - there is so much more at stake.  Parenting challenges, household finances, job stability, are constant inclines that seem never ending. We are not just climbing the mountains to meet our own goals or to strengthen our own selves.  The climb has a different consequence.  It affects the outcome and path of our children's lives. Than responsibility often looks so huge that we can see nothing else.  We feel as if we are climbing mount Everest.

Just for today, take a step back. Catch your breath.  Survey the hill ahead.  With a fresh view, you may see that what you thought was an insurmountable peak, is really just a foothill. You'll find the inspiration and the strength to put one foot in front of the other, until you've reached the peak.

Oh Crap - Just Give Me the Shovel Now...

We all have those Oh Crap moments - the moments we wish we could take back - the moments when we know we are going to regret the words or tone that came out of our mouths, the moments when we wish we had a big shovel to clean up the mess we just made. 

We say the wrong thing, we react the wrong way, we fly off the handle. Our mouth starts moving and some strange force seems to take over. The words pour, the emotions spill, and common sense and logic are running out the back door. And when we hear the door slam, our words slap us in the face, and we wish we could turn back the clock and relive the conversation and interaction we just had.

The recipients of our fling fest are usually the ones closest to us: our spouses, kids and friends. The ones we least want to hurt and most value are the closest target that our mess heads for. Often, the aim is much more accurate and stronger than our intention is good. We don't do it on purpose. But, we are still responsible for it's impact.

Hopefully this doesn't happen very often. But, it will happen even to the most experienced of parents and communicatively skilled of us.

How can we minimize the destruction?

If something spurred the interaction then there was probably something worth discussing. It is our choice of words, our timing, our assumptions, and our own agendas are the launcher that hurls destruction. Being aware of these four areas before, during, and after can help us to be responsible and take personal accountability for how we react and respond.

• Words - Our word choice is crucial in whether the other person is putting on body armor or opening their arms to embrace us. Using divisive (you), accusatory (you always), or minimizing language (your fault, or name calling) automatically backs the other person into a corner. Find words that bring a common place for you to have discussion. Realize that communication is not an I vs. You event. It is a WE event. 

• Timing - Keep in mind that our need to speak does not always match up with another's willingness or readiness to hear. Respect if the other person is not in that place at the moment. Ask if the discussion can continue later and revisit it then. It gives you time to cool down, think about your words as well as giving the other person time to do the same. There will be times when issues need to be addressed very quickly and on the spot - but even then, we can find an appropriate location and way to do it. 

• Assumptions - If you are assuming someone will act a certain way it is probably from past experience. You may prepare for responses and reactions in a defensive way because of the way the last interaction went. You know the script - you know what happens next. Here's the thing.... you are a part of that script. If you change your words, your timing and your assumption, there is no more script. Your interaction becomes intentional ad-lib and can move forward in a different way. If you assume that a person feels a particular way or that they understand your point of view and feelings, think again. You are not in their head or heart. Your words and your timing is what will open up their feelings and their understanding. 

• Agendas - In reality, the only agenda that impacts how we respond and react is our own. To say it is another's agenda is to give away our freedom and power to communicate. As we open our mouths or consider opening them, we have to keep in mind why we are doing it. Are we being ethical (not intending to hurt, minimize, create division) in our agenda? Is this just for me to vent or will this bring out a positive change? Am I using this as a rhetorical event (passive aggressiveness) or do I really want to have a discussion with the person? 

No matter how mature or how much experience we have, not a single one of us can get it right every single time. As moms, dads, mates, bosses, employees, children, friends, we ALL miss this sometimes. We are not alone on this big terrestrial ball... we are all human and we all err. It is not a matter of us being perfect, but in our willingness to be better, and a willingness to apologize and acknowledge when our reaction was not beneficial. We can do better, take responsibility and accountability, and shovel up the mess before those Oh Crap moments.

My Mantra: Today I know that I will work to give my best, be my best, and live my best. I also know that I am a continual work in progress - sometimes needing refining, reflecting and restructuring.

Do you ever wish you could take back what you have said or how you have reacted?

Home

A brilliant scholar by the name of Dr. Michael J. Hyde wrote of the concept of home. 

Home is a place where the door is open, we are free to be ourselves in a safe place, and a place where dialog, connection, peace and rest can happen. Dr. Hyde's concept of home is not necessarily defined as a physical space, but as a state of being. Home does not have to be confined within four physical walls, but within the space created by having relationship and community with another person. Of course Dr. Hyde's description goes much deeper than these few descriptive lines, but even this brief description can have a profound effect on how we understand the idea of creating a home.

If we apply this idea of home to ourselves and our own experiences, we can see the impact it has a bit clearer.

Whether this home is an actual structure or simply metaphorical, we have all probably had an experience with feeling at home. We have joined a group, entered a home, stepped into an organization, or encountered a single person that we feel at ease with. Conversation is easy and honest. Guards are let down. We feel like we belong and that we are welcome. There have also been times that we felt like an invited guest into someone else's space. Small groups, co-workers, or individuals allow us to be there, but the boundary between us and them is never quite breached. It often feels awkward, frustrating, and tiring as the space never truly becomes mutual space- it belongs to them and we are a guest in it.

As moms, parents, caretakers or people that have an influence in other's lives, we are continually creating or potentially demolishing "homes".

Certainly every interaction that we have with others does not require us to put out the welcome mat, prepare a feast, and offer out our space for others to stay in. But, with each interaction, we give a glimpse of what our home is and how we create it. Some of our interactions will be a calling to others to step over our threshold at our invite, have a seat on a comfy couch, enjoy a nice cup o' java, and feel like they belong. Other interactions could be like an unexpected appearance to a party where the un-invited guest is let in out of courtesy, but sits in the hard wooden chair in the corner - being nothing but a guest and an observer of the party. As the master of the house, we can be the difference between another feeling like a guest, or feeling like they are home.

We each have a choice on whether to create an inviting space or not. We have personal boundaries that affect who we open the door for and who we do not. Although it is a choice, sometimes it is a responsibility - and not always an easy one to fulfill.

So how do we create a "home space" that invites others in?

1. Listen - Take the time to not just hear the words that others are saying, but truly listen. That means to take an interest in what they are saying and realize the importance that those words have to the other. Don't spend the time you are hearing them crafting a response to them.

2. Don't Judge - Each person has a back story to their lives that has created who they are, how they think, and how they interact. Usually, we have more in common than we know. When we judge them, we are really judging ourselves.

3. Set Aside Our Own Agenda - Truly be in the interaction to have connection with the person for who they are - not for what they can do for us. Think of the connection as unconditional.

4. Extend the Invitation - Most people don't like to impose, even when it comes to simply starting a friendship or a conversation. Extend the invitation through a conversation, a genuine question or common interest. If they fail to RSVP, send the invite again and leave it open ended. If and when they are ready, they will join you.

When was the last time you were made to feel at home?

Have you ever been called to create that for someone else?

Just A Few More Steps!

Do you ever feel like just giving up?

Some days seem so long and so tedious.  Our day to day duties and responsibilities stretch the hours, the minutes, the moments into a seemingly uphill eternity.  We get lost in the tiredness, the mundane, the never ending list of things to do. Our energy is sapped, our will is tested, and our desire to just push through is all but gone. Throw in crisis, trouble, or just a mere kink in our plans, and we feel that we will never see the top of the hill and get to see the beauty of the accomplishment that lies at the summit.

This is exactly the time that we need to dig deep, find our will and pull from that little hidden bit of energy that every woman - every mom has hidden insider her.  We need to draw on that one last fuse that we know is just waiting to be lit, that will propel us forward and upward.  With that little bit of spark, we can make it to the top of the hill.  If we keep our mind set on not how much further we have to go, but how far we have already come, our perspective shifts.  We find the bit of gusto we need to continue on just a bit more.

Hang in there, you're almost there. It's just a few more steps to the top!

Bandwagon Approaching - Listen to the Music!

Today I will not jump on any bandwagons. Instead, I will read the music and the lyrics, find my rhythm, and march the road to the beat of my own drum. ~ AZ Mom of Many Hats

I am not one to jump on bandwagons. I never have been.

It’s not that I think there is something wrong with standing for a cause – there isn’t. It is a very noble thing to support what you think in your heart is the right thing. Society has improved and evolved by people standing together and standing up for what is right.

My issue is with bandwagons.

Bandwagon has a couple of definitions.  It’s exactly what the name says – a wagon that carries a band.  It’s also a cause or group that appeals to people because of apparent success. Both definitions have a draw factor.

Should we jump on bandwagons blindly though?

It is ingrained in my personality to not simply follow for the sake of following.  That is not me, not my own personal style, and not my need.  But, I know that there are those who want and need to be a part of the latest thing.  This is not a lacking or a flaw; it is simply part of who they are.  However, whether we resist the popular pull or feel drawn to it, I don’t think we should jump onto bandwagons blindly.  There is danger in that.

Would you board a train, a plane, a taxi or a bus, simply because you liked the song that was playing over the speakers? 

If you answered this question with “yes” – you are much braver than I am, and I wish you a safe trip.  But, my own answer would be "no".  I would want to know more about the driver, the vehicle, and the destination.   

Bandwagons are much like these vehicles.  They have tremendous appeal, popular support, and often celebrity endorsements.  They play a great song. Not that this is bad… but this appeal can overshadow the sense of responsibility as individuals to find out information about the events surrounding the bandwagon.   There are questions that should be asked before joining in.

Do we know all sides of the story?

Do we know who is at the reigns?

Do know where the wagon is heading?

After asking these questions, if you are comfortable with the answers you find, then climbing on may be what your heart tells you to do. The band on the wagon may be playing your song. It is a good and noble thing to follow YOUR heart.

For me, however, I have a need to investigate and contemplate.  Wagons are great for some, but I need to reflect upon what is right and true to my heart.  Often it is the song that is blaring from the wagon that matches my heart.  However, I need to know that I am in control of my participation. So, I will listen to the music and the lyrics, find my own rhythm, and march down the road to the beat of my own drum.

What do you think? Do you jump on bandwagons?