The ToolBox - Fill the Box Now, Be Their Friend Later

“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.” 

― Anne Frank

I would love it if I could give my kids everything they wanted...

But I can't. 

Even if I could, I wouldn't. My conscience, my judgement, my heart, and my parental responsibility would not let me. 

I would love to be my children's best friend...

But I can't.

Even if I could, I wouldn't. That is not my role. At least it's not my role while they are minor children, under my care, still maturing and growing to adulthood.  I guess I could have taken the role of friend instead of parent, but my conscience, my judgment, my heart, and my parental responsibility would not let me. 

I would have loved to make every path clear, every job easy, every relationship without trouble, every class fun, every game winnable, every action rewardable.... 

But I can't.

Even if I could, I wouldn't.  That may have been in some way possible, but not at all realistic or representative of what life is.  I could shelter them, fight every battle, and make their existence nothing but easy and fun, but my conscience, my judgment, my heart, and my parental responsibility would not let me. 

In the short term, eliminating any wants or obstacles in your children's lives may seem like an expression of love and caring.  It may seem to you that it is a way of taking care of and protecting them.  To make a path easy for them gets them further along the road.  Giving them what they want fulfills their desires for things.  Being a friend instead of holding then accountable and towing the line might feel like it's creating connection.  

The truth: That is the easy road for you. It also creates a tougher road for them when they are out in the world. 

Your job, my job, our job is to be parents and to ready them for the world.  A parent's job is to fill their child's toolbox with the tools they will need to be in it successfully. 

As a grown-up you know that the world is nothing like living at mom and dad's house with them taking care of the necessities of life.  It can be a great place, but it is not always an easy place.  It takes hard work, tenacity, willingness to stretch yourself, understanding and ability to cope with failures along with the successes, and knowing that things don't always go the way you want them to.  You have to problem solve, get along with people you don't always like, sometimes work in situations that are less than what you would like them to be, and earn your successes.  

As parent, it is your job to balance your care and protection with preparing your children for the world- a world that is not going to coddle them.  To do that, they need a toolbox stocked with the tools that will help them build a life in a world that looks very different from mom and dad's house. 

The world will hold them accountable and responsible for their actions. Give them this tool by holding them accountable and responsible for their actions and words. 

The world will not reward them for simply stepping into it.  They will fail at things in life as adults.  Prepare them with the tools for it by letting them fail at things sometimes. It is hard not to save them from it when you can, but the short term benefit of a better feeling in the moment becomes a long term obstacle when they don't know how to accept, learn from, and recover from it in the world. 

The world will not give the everything they want. Just like the rest of us, there will be some things that they get, some things they will have to work for, and some things that just never may come. Give them the tool of having joy with what's in front of them, and the ability to find happiness even when they don't have their every wish fulfilled. Don't grant every "want".  Give them everything they need, and some of what they want - but not everything. Give them the tool of knowing the difference between a need and a want by understanding the difference yourself. 

They will need to learn empathy, sympathy, the ability to feel joy and sadness, how to live a healthy lifestyle, and understanding of money and responsible use of it, self respect, respect for others, determination, tenacity, will, drive, how to rest, how to love... the list of tools goes on and on.  It is parent responsibility to send them into the world with a full tool box. 

It's not an easy job, but you are the best and most influential person for the job. When you are weary and feeling like the "bad guy", just recite this to yourself: Today I know that Parenting is a tiring job but a worthy one. Our duty is to give them the tools they need to be in the world. It is their job to open the tool box and use them.

Be their parent now.  Your reward of being their friend will come. 

Fortyness - Finding Community

Fortyness is a time when we need community.

Throughout the other decades in our life, most of us have had some sort of automatic involvement with a community just by the mere fact that we are around people that have a shared interest with us. In our childhood, we had schoolyard and neighborhood friends that were our in-group simply because of our closeness to one another. In our teens, our bus mates, classmates and lunch buddies gave us a sense of belonging. In our twenties, workmates, other playgroup moms and dads, and even our parents (yes, we realized how much they REALLY knew) became our confidants and cohorts as we navigated our way in the world. In our thirties, our children became the axis of our community as we taxied to sports games, school commitments, the school pick up line, and the multitude of kid related activities that dominated our lives and schedules. We had a built in support system - or at least a common ground with groups of others that could in some respect understand what our day to day existence entailed, and often walk the tough roads with us.

Then comes Fortyness....... and it is very different.

Although every decade, and day for that matter, brings change , this one brings some challenge. Our sense of community and belonging takes on a different shape as our roles and connections that are automatic with those roles change. Relationships morph and reshape, along with our attachments. Some that were close become distant. Some that were steady and strong suddenly disappear as the reality of mortality reminds us that we really are destructible. Our children grow and go. Our jobs, mates and tangible belongings that once defined and created a temporary dwelling place for us to have community, no longer are enough. We find ourselves like the one helium balloon that has broken loose - seeing that there is a place for us, but drifting and floating not quite knowing how to find our way back to the bunch.

In Fortyness, we must be bold. We must go out and find community, make community or open a space for someone like us that is feeling the same way - so that they may have community. We can't wait for it to come to us - because it won't. We must be intentional about it, reaching out to and for others. The things and others that have been a part of us have shaped our expectations of commonness. But by opening our eyes, hearts, and mind to all the possibilities of connection with others, we will develop a place of support, connection and fellowship.

In Fortyness, we don't have to be that drifting balloon. We will find community, giving us a safe place to navigate this road in life.

Thanksgiving Tradtions

I am big on tradition.

Part of what makes the Holidays special to me is a sense of carrying on and passing down family customs and rituals from year to year. Whether it is having a special meal including scalloped potatoes on Christmas Eve, making "Grandma's Bunny Cookies" on Easter, or decorating my parents' mountain home to the hilt for the 4th of July celebrations, there is a feeling of connection to the past as well as to the future in all of these traditions.

You would think that since I am a "Mayflower" girl - my lineage is traced back to Stephan Hopkins who signed the Mayflower Compact, I would follow the same Thanksgiving traditions from year to year. You'd think that every year, I would relish in customs passed down from my forefathers and foremothers that "officiated" and prepared the family's Thanksgiving celebrations.

Well, this is one holiday celebration in that I have broken the tradition of "tradition".

Now, don't get me wrong, I would love to have a set routine every November. It might make this particular holiday a little easier to plan for. But as I have grown older, life has allowed me opportunities to swerve from a predictable celebration each year. I'd like to tell you about a few of them

The first Thanksgiving that I broke the ranks of ritual came when I was just a teenager. I had the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving in Pennsylvania. I was blessed by being welcomed into the home of a very dear friend and an amazing family. It was my first experience of food other than the Thanksgiving "fare" that I was accustomed to. To my surprise, in addition to the turkey, potatoes and green bean casserole, there was an Italian fare of pasta and sea food as well. The cold weather of the east cost was very different than the warm California weather I was used to.

As I grew into adulthood, for many years I took on the job of cooking the meal. The first year that I was married to my husband, I decided to go all out. I made stuffing from scratch, pies from my Halloween pumpkins, fresh apple pies, and a huge turkey. I wanted to honor his Italian heritage, so in addition to the entire traditional menu, I prepared a lasagna. I cooked for what seemed like days, to prepare a meal for twenty of my family members in the small kitchen of our first home. I carried that tradition for the first few years of our marriage.

But as my husband's career advanced, we were required to relocate. We found ourselves in Texas, a state where we didn't know anyone, at least not at the time of our first Thanksgiving there. Eventually, we found other "orphan" families who were also there without friends and family, and we became each other's adopted families. Since by that time we had three small children, traveling back to be with our families was both too expensive and too difficult. So we began sharing our Thanksgiving meal with our Texas family. Each brought a new dish or variation of a dish to the meal. This tradition lasted for the five years that we lived there.

Since moving to Arizona, there hasn't been any true tradition of how we spend the Holiday. Some years we have traveled to my home state to be with my family. Some years we have stayed in Arizona with my husband's family. I have not prepared the meal for the last seven years. Since my day is not spent in the kitchen anymore, my husband and I have started our own tradition for the two of us. Regardless of which state we are in, we have participated in charity walks or runs on Thanksgiving morning. This year it is a 10 mile charity run in Arizona.

So, even though tradition is important to me, I would never change the fact that my Thanksgiving traditions change from year to year. No matter what I have done, or where I have been, I have been surrounded by people that I love and am thankful for.

Isn't that a big part of what the day is about?

Cancer Blessings

Cancer Blessings.....

At first glance, these two words don't fit together. They appear to be an oxymoron. How can cancer, something so horrible and devastating, be paired with such a lovely word as blessing? How can a word that brings on the feeling of mire and darkness sit next to a word of hope and light?

I would say that they do fit together. I know my sister Amy would.

Amy and I have been in almost daily contact since her diagnosis. Many of the days have been dark and scary. But even in midst of some of the worst days, Amy has always been able to speak of the things in her life that were good. She has never lost site of her blessings in the blinding storm of cancer.

The following are just a few of the many, many blessings she has.

Amy is able to stay home with her son. She hadn't had the opportunity to do that before as she was the major source of income and health insurance in her family. Cancer forced her to take time off of work. Because she has had this time, she is able to spend more time watching her soon to be teen aged son grow and become a wonderful young man.

She has always been blessed with a husband who has always been incredibly nurturing and supportive of her. A hidden strength in him has been revealed as she has watched him solely take on the role of provider and protector of their family. Through this trial, they have both had to take on new identities in their marriage, and as a result they have grown stronger and closer as a couple.

The many people she has met who are sharing the same battle as Amy, have also been a blessing to her. She is blessed to know that although others are there to support her, only those that have fought the fight can truly understand what she is going through. She has been able to be a support to them as well as receive support from them.

Amy has found the ability to rejoice with those that have good news, even when hers is bad. She has also learned to not feel guilty when she rejoices in her own good news even though those around her may not be doing as well.

She has learned just how much she is loved and by how many people. Old friends, relatives, new friends and mere acquaintances have shown her love that she didn't think she was worthy of (of course those of us who love her, know she is worthy of it.) She has had help with meals, transportation, house work and daily tasks by people who are committed to helping her through this battle. She has even had co-workers donate enough sick days for her to maintain her position as a teacher until January.

She has had a crash course in releasing things into God's control, and knowing that it is OK that she can't control everything or even anything. She has learn to let go.

She has learned to appreciate and see the beauty in the small stuff. When her son didn't wake up to his alarm and she had to drag him out of bed, she was grateful that she will have more time to drag him out of bed while the alarm is blaring. She enjoys her home and the pond in her backyard. She sees an amazing beauty in them that she didn't fully recognize before.

Seeing God in the "trenches" has been an incredible gift in this time. She has found strength and hope in knowing that no matter how deep the pit, she can never fall out of the reach of God.

This is just a list of a few of the blessings she has received.

Cancer Blessings.....I think those two words sit together in an awesome juxtaposition.


If you have Cancer Blessings, please be a blessing to someone else by sharing with an e-mail, a phone call, or a comment to this post.