Sands Of Time - Fall A Little Faster Please!

Life is lived forward, cherished backward, and savored here.

If we are truly honest with ourselves, we can probably all say that there have been moments in our parenting, in our marriages and in our lives in general that we have truly wished would pass quicker than they seem to be moving. In those times we wish we could tap the top of the hourglass, hoping to help the sands of time fall a bit quicker. The moments and hours drag on...

• Little ones having tantrums.
• Spouses bickering and snapping at each other as life brings them challenges to overcome. 
• Elementary school kids and homework battles.
• Jobs, home responsibilities, family stressors, finances. 
• Teens and boyfriends/girlfriends, driving, high school drama, driving, graduating and college stress. 
• Trying to keep our fort... errr... thir... ok... trying to be as healthy and look like we did in our pre-children, pre-life days. 

In those moments that seem to be countless and unending, that seem to defy  how we understand time to move, the moments that we are tired and weary - we wish we could speed the hands of time to the hour that we finally feel content.

Here's the problem...

Happiness is a speedy and lofty prey. We will never catch it if we are chasing it.

Life goes on in a forward moving direction and at a fixed pace. It's the laws of time and space that we have no control over. That forward motion includes stepping through and experiencing each moment, even the tough ones. Wishing for the quick passing of those tougher times, looking and hoping for contentment to come in the next moments, robs ourselves of happiness and wastes our efforts. If we choose not to look for contentment and happiness in the moments we are currently living, we have let a precious gift slip through our hands. A gift that will out run us. We will be left looking behind us, wishing we had savored the moments of joy, the moments of light, and the contentment that were present all along.

In your tough moments today, look around you and find something you can savor. Take off your racing blinders that keep you focused on what happiness the future may hold. You will see that in the here and now, in the midst of challenge, happiness lives if we let it.

They Said It Would Get Easier - They Lied...

I am in the midst of sending the second of my three daughters off to college and into the world.

In my years of parenting older teens, as the college years approached, I always heard that it gets easier as each one goes.  Friends with good intentions gave me advice, freely recounting their momentous experience of finally being empty nesters. They told me that with each flight, a bit of freedom came. By the time the third little birdie flew the nest, I'd be a pro and barely bat an eye.  In fact, they said that I'd probably do a happy dance as she ventured off into the world.

It gets easier? I could not agree less!

My first went off and it was hard. I missed her terribly, but the emotion that took over was fear.  I questioned if I had given her the right preparation for life to manage on her own.  I worried for her safety and well being to the point of not sleeping.  Daily I questioned who I was as a parent and if I had done my job and given her the right tools to succeed, be happy and be healthy.  I obsessed on if she was getting to and from class safely, if she was figuring out how to be on her own, if she was going to class, and if she was getting enough sleep.  I battled that for months. After a few life lessons and knocks that she worked out and walked her way through, I realized that I had given her what I could to figure out how to be in the world.  She'd call sometimes for guidance, but I knew in my heart that she would be successful in whatever she did. She was strong, able and capable- we saw her triumph.

Ok... I got the parenting thing down. I don't question that much anymore.  But now my second is going off and it is hard for me.  I know I have stocked the life tool box and shown her how to use them.  She will make the choices of when and how to use them - she will figure that part out.  Surely I'll worry about the things that I did with the first, but not in the same way or to the same degree.  But still, it is hard, but in a different way.

My angst this time is not centered on safety and well being.  Since I experienced that with the first, fear is not the dominant emotion - I processed that already and know how to manage it.  Feeling confident in my parenting and how I prepared them has left time for a different type of emotion.

This time a difficult mixture of sadness and joy is dominating.  I feel the sadness of grieving of turning over my precious child to the world.  I feel the grief of remembering the child that was held nearly every second of every day until she was 2 1/2 stepping out of my physical grasp.  I feel the grief of sending my child who didn't want to be the center of attention, didn't want to play on a soccer team because she thought there would be boys on it, and didn't want mom and dad to make a big deal publicly out of things, into a phase of life that pushes each one of those areas in her life. I feel sadness because I know that I am sending her into a world where she will have to play on teams she doesn't always like, because she will have to stand out on her own and shine, and that at times, she will need to step into the spotlight.

I also feel great joy in each of the things I grieve, because I know like our first, she will be triumphant.   There is joy because I know that I, along with her dad, have helped her to be a strong and independent woman.  I feel joy, because she is embracing life, taking a risk, and figuring out who she is.  I feel joy because I know that in parenting her and her sisters, we have prepared them for life and the world.

So I say to all those that told me that it get's easier - either you were trying to soften the blow,  you truly couldn't wait for your children to leave, or you refused to face how difficult it really was.  Our children our extensions of us.  They will become their own people and make their own path in life if we have prepared them well.  But when we send them off, we are sending parts of us with them - and it is painful.

The good news is, in the pain, there is growth - for us and for them. Even though pain is not something we  usually choose to walk into, I will gladly accept the discomfort. There is great reward in the end.

Milestones....

Today is a milestone day. My Baby Hat C turns 13 today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY C! It's official in our house...no more little kids. No more kid's meals at restaurants, no more kids admittance prices to movies, theme parks and museums. No more birthday gifts of barbies and toys; it's on to electronics. No more knocking on the neighbor friend's door to come out and ride bikes - we are on to facebook chats and texting. We have moved on into the world of teens. It is a milestone day.

In fact, this is a milestone year.

All my baby hats are reaching milestone ages this year - 21, 16, 13. How strange it is going to be to know that my oldest baby hat can sit down and have a glass of wine with her father and me if she wanted to. How strange to see my middle baby hat move from foot power to horsepower as a means of getting around. And my youngest baby hat...well, we've already covered that!

When they were younger, I remember not really wanting the time to pass before my eyes, but yet always looking forward to the day when they were a little bit more self sufficient. As a young mom with three kids I got worn out and tired. As much as I enjoyed being a mom (and still do) , the thought of a bit of the load lightening with their increasing independence seemed like it would lift some of the weight that I felt. The small little pebbles of "ableness" - buckling their own car seat belt, tying shoes that actually ended up on the right feet, walking to the bus stop for school, gave me the illusion that my job as mom was getting easier. My back was less tired as a child spent less and less time on my left hip. I had two free arms to get things done. When we reached the milestone of having all three kids in school, my load was light....so I thought.

As they have gotten older and reached more milestones, they weight of motherhood is different. I may not have as many physical demands and they may not be as physically dependent, but the load is still there. My back may not hurt and feel like it's going to break, but sometimes my heart does. Sleepless nights because of a crying baby or chasing away nightmare monsters are replaced with sleepless nights of worry or soothing a sad child who has just experienced a breakup with a boyfriend. The milestones that in many ways lifted the load from my back did just that, but placed them right on my heart.

Milestones are necessary. They are to be celebrated. In most ways they are good. The milestones our children reach are indicators that as parents we are doing our job. But, they aren't always easy.

I am so proud of my baby hats and proud of the milestones that they have reached. I am privileged to be able to share their moments of accomplishment and independence. And as much as it weighs my heart to watch them grow up, it also strengthens it. I guess that's so my heart has the muscles for the rest of life's milestones.....