They Said It Would Get Easier - They Lied...

I am in the midst of sending the second of my three daughters off to college and into the world.

In my years of parenting older teens, as the college years approached, I always heard that it gets easier as each one goes.  Friends with good intentions gave me advice, freely recounting their momentous experience of finally being empty nesters. They told me that with each flight, a bit of freedom came. By the time the third little birdie flew the nest, I'd be a pro and barely bat an eye.  In fact, they said that I'd probably do a happy dance as she ventured off into the world.

It gets easier? I could not agree less!

My first went off and it was hard. I missed her terribly, but the emotion that took over was fear.  I questioned if I had given her the right preparation for life to manage on her own.  I worried for her safety and well being to the point of not sleeping.  Daily I questioned who I was as a parent and if I had done my job and given her the right tools to succeed, be happy and be healthy.  I obsessed on if she was getting to and from class safely, if she was figuring out how to be on her own, if she was going to class, and if she was getting enough sleep.  I battled that for months. After a few life lessons and knocks that she worked out and walked her way through, I realized that I had given her what I could to figure out how to be in the world.  She'd call sometimes for guidance, but I knew in my heart that she would be successful in whatever she did. She was strong, able and capable- we saw her triumph.

Ok... I got the parenting thing down. I don't question that much anymore.  But now my second is going off and it is hard for me.  I know I have stocked the life tool box and shown her how to use them.  She will make the choices of when and how to use them - she will figure that part out.  Surely I'll worry about the things that I did with the first, but not in the same way or to the same degree.  But still, it is hard, but in a different way.

My angst this time is not centered on safety and well being.  Since I experienced that with the first, fear is not the dominant emotion - I processed that already and know how to manage it.  Feeling confident in my parenting and how I prepared them has left time for a different type of emotion.

This time a difficult mixture of sadness and joy is dominating.  I feel the sadness of grieving of turning over my precious child to the world.  I feel the grief of remembering the child that was held nearly every second of every day until she was 2 1/2 stepping out of my physical grasp.  I feel the grief of sending my child who didn't want to be the center of attention, didn't want to play on a soccer team because she thought there would be boys on it, and didn't want mom and dad to make a big deal publicly out of things, into a phase of life that pushes each one of those areas in her life. I feel sadness because I know that I am sending her into a world where she will have to play on teams she doesn't always like, because she will have to stand out on her own and shine, and that at times, she will need to step into the spotlight.

I also feel great joy in each of the things I grieve, because I know like our first, she will be triumphant.   There is joy because I know that I, along with her dad, have helped her to be a strong and independent woman.  I feel joy, because she is embracing life, taking a risk, and figuring out who she is.  I feel joy because I know that in parenting her and her sisters, we have prepared them for life and the world.

So I say to all those that told me that it get's easier - either you were trying to soften the blow,  you truly couldn't wait for your children to leave, or you refused to face how difficult it really was.  Our children our extensions of us.  They will become their own people and make their own path in life if we have prepared them well.  But when we send them off, we are sending parts of us with them - and it is painful.

The good news is, in the pain, there is growth - for us and for them. Even though pain is not something we  usually choose to walk into, I will gladly accept the discomfort. There is great reward in the end.

Fortyness - In the Thickness of Life

Many of you know that I have returned to school and am working on a communication degree. One of the concepts that is prominent in the scholarly world of communication is the idea of thick descriptions. This idea is that life is understood by the self and others through a myriad of factors...not just the straight forward aspects that are visible. It has to do with context, history, relationships, culture.... there is a lot of thickness to swim through to get to understanding.

I think that this time of life -fortyness, is much like that. It is thick.

By this time we all can probably feel the resistance as we wade through life. We have all probably encountered some bad things. We have had to navigate through trials, loss, and change. Sometimes the outcomes were for the better, and sometimes they were not. Each negative experience impacts how we see, act out and understand the lives we have.

But, this time can feel thick even when things are going well. Even in the great events of life, it may seem like more energy is expended through our emotions and actions. We are so grateful for the good things, yet we "feel" the impact of those great events. We ponder them more, reflect on them more and incorporate them into our view of the world.

Be it negative or positive, each experience increases the viscosity of our daily existence. Our understanding and movement through our fortyness is impacted as each experience alters the context, the history, the relationships and the culture that we exist in. Things that in our twenetyness would seem trite and unimportant, now carry more weight and credibility. Conversely, things that seemed huge in our twenties, are now understood to be simply the life exercises that have given us the stamina to trudge through the thickness of life.

So, what are we to do as we drag ourselves through the resistance of this thickness? Do we look at it as an impediment? Or do we see it as a protective and helpful tension that causes us to slow down and understand life a bit more? In our fortyness, I propose that however we view the thickness, we should not let it weigh us down. Instead, we should understand it as a part of our being in this time of life. Everything that has contributed to it is a part of the narrative that makes us who we are.

Caution....Student Mama Ahead!

"Mom....why is the sky blue?"

"Mom! Fix this!"

"Mom, why does my heart hurt so bad?"

I bet, if you are like me, there are many questions that you had to learn to answer- so many things you had to learn to do.

When I first started out as a young parent, I didn't know much. I had to learn the ins and outs of caring for an infant. I had to learn how to juggle a job, a life, finances, and a new baby all while trying to maintain my sanity as a single parent. (Thanks to all my family for you help in those years!).

As some time went on, I had to learn how to parent a toddler, answer the silly and not so silly questions that a 2 year old asks, still maintain a job and finances, as well as navigating the waters of a new marriage and how to share my parenting with another person. And I still had to learn how to maintain my sanity!

Jump ahead a few years and I was still learning. Two more babies, several moves to several new houses in several states, a new dimension of both parenthood and marriage, brought about a new phase of learning.

At each step of my life as a parent, I had to figure things out. I had to solve problems, face issues, mend messes, discipline behavior, clothe, feed and nurture three other lives besides my own.

Although there are countless parenting books out there, not one of then is written as the manual to YOUR child in YOUR life. Advice abounds from parents, in-laws, friends, siblings, doctors, and yes, even the occasional stranger at the grocery store. But none of those people have spent the intimate time learning about your child that you have.

I have learned that parenting is a constant education. I take bits and pieces of what we hear from others, mix it with our gut feelings, apply my skills and watch for the results. Sometimes I get an "A" on the parenting situation, sometimes a "C" and occasionally, I even get an "F" - and that's OK. As long as I make the "E" for effort, an occasional parental flop is not the end of the world.

The learning as a parent never ends - one of mine is now an adult and I am still learning. As long as I am open to expanding my parental knowledge I'll be fine and my kids will be fine.

Maybe one day I will successfully have earned my degree in parenting. But I have been told that even when they are grown and gone, the I'll still be wearing my parent hat.....

PS. When I went back to school....I learned how to answer the "Why is the sky blue?" question. If your interested in knowing the answer, leave a comment and I'll tell ya!

Let Them Eat Cake!!!

Now, I'm no ace of cakes.....but, I can make a pretty pastry if I do say so myself.

I've been making cakes for about 15 years now. It started with a class at an arts and crafts supply store and has become a long lasting hobby. Since my first cake ( a dalmatian cake for my daughter's third birthday) I've crated a litany of cakes. Wedding cakes, birthday cakes, shower cakes, baptism cakes....cakes with flowers, cakes with motorcycles, cakes with cartoon characters, cakes with airplanes, even a cake with a live fish on top.

Most of the time, the cake makes it to party time intact. The center hasn't collapsed, the icing hasn't melted, and the general look of the cake is as I planned. Sometimes there are "ooohs" and "ahhhs" or and occasional "you did that?"

I must also admit, there have been a few disasters, too. When my sister and I joined forces to create the perfect floral wedding cake for our other sister, half of one of the tiers fell off. The Hulk cake that I tried to make for my nephew ended up looking like a big green man in calypso pants. When I made the doll cake that my 5 year old daughter requested, I was horrified when she broke down in tears at the sight of it....o.k. that one wasn't iced yet and all she saw was the bare doll sticking out of a pile of yellow cake.

I have learned something from each of the cakes I have made. Especially the ones I have struggled with. Each one brought its own problems that I have needed to solve. I have been frustrated that my icing is lumpy, irritated that my tools are missing, and just plain fustered enough that I want to toss it out and go store bought!

But in the end, if I have stuck to it, I have something to show for it. Even though the process hasn't gone exactly the way I intended, I usually end up with close to the same results. I find new ways to tackle obstacles and new ways to be resourceful. Each experience is a tool to add to my tool belt for the next cake.

No experience and especially, no failure is ever a wasted effort. Each thing we are challenged by in life is in some way an educational experience. Instead of focusing on where we have messed up, lets focus on the things we have learned through the process.

PS. We saved my sister's cake with the help of my brother-in-law. We didn't tell her till after the ceremony. Had we told her before, well that would have been the topic of a whole other blog!