Confession of a Human Mom - I Am Not A Saint!

The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are not longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children. ~Jessica Lange

Sounds quite idealistic... doesn't it. 

Mommy or Me - Selflessness or Selfishness? 

When I became a new mom and the ripe old age of 20, again at 24, and again at 27,  each one of my children became the beacon of my life.  My world revolved around providing a home, a life, and an existence for them. I was (and still am) passionate about them, dedicated to helping them grow, responsible for providing them stability, and accountable for giving them the tools that they would need to be productive and contributing members of society.  I gave my all to them, for many, many years.  I was able to stay at home- we had reasonable financial stability, and my husband fully supported my desire to be an at home mom.  My life, my existence, my passion, my interest, my career, my vocabulary, my interaction, my effort, my energy, my everything all flowed to one glowing ball of light.... my children. It was the natural state of "motherhood".  The job of motherhood.

I must confess - it was not the natural state of my humanness.

Don't get me wrong - I loved that I was able to be in that place.  I would not trade a single second of any of it. I am honored to be able to call myself Mom to three amazing women. In the ideal days of mommyhood, I played the role well.  I played it with heart.  I played and lived it with every fiber of my being.  I was happy in that.  I had focus, I had purpose, and I had an audience - three little children who needed me every second of every day. If moms could get Oscars - I think I would have been at least in the running for it. I was in the role, but I  WAS the role. 

 But I am not going to lie. As the kids started to grow a bit, I tried to keep the script and the ideal the same. But there came a point that I just wasn't driven or fed. Instead of joy with moments of work, it became work with moments of joy.  My energy began to run low.  My tank was empty. My kids were still the center of my universe, but my revolution around them began to grow weary.  I became unhappy, lonely and empty. 

I lost myself. I questioned myself. I made these realizations about myself. 

• I knew that how I felt had nothing to do with them or my relationship with them.  It had everything to do with my relationship with me! 
• I knew I had, did, and always would love them more than life itself.  I would forever move heaven and earth if I could for their good.  They were by far the most important human beings in my world, and as long as I was on this earth they would always be that. 
• I came to terms that there really were times in "mommyhood" that I wanted to just shut myself in my room and not be responsible. I called it needing a breather, needing a break or taking a time-out.  The reality was I CRAVED time for ME - time that I neglected.  
• The idea of motherhood being hearts and flowers and puppy dogs and cute kids - it was a crock.  Trying to make it look that way only led to failure and exhaustion.  There were days when I really didn't care if someone judged me because my daughter wore a plaid flannel shirt, a floral skirt, and pink cowboy boots on the wrong feet to the store. She was covered and dressed. MORE IMPORTANTLY was that the battle of getting her that way was over. 
• I realized that I was jealous of all of the time and attention that I and their daddy could give to them, but I failed to give to me or us. It wasn't the green face of envy, but it was certainly a gnawing very quiet message of  I wish I had someone paying this attention to me.  
• What in some moments was my giving and existing in selflessness, felt like sacrifice in many others.  (The difference in meaning and attitude surrounding those is huge.) 
• I questioned my own heart as to why I was not fulfilled in the way I thought I should be. 
• I faced that as much as I loved being Mom, there were moments that I just didn't like motherhood. 
• I realized that I needed to do the things that refreshed me and filled my pitcher. That way I could fill the cups of my children.
• I realized that what I was experiencing was the natural state of HUMANNESS!

It's ok to throw some selfishness in with the selflessness.  It's the only way to not suffocate and to be able to grow and best serve in the role of mom.  It's also the best way to grow yourself for the day when your mom role changes as kids launch into the world.

I like to and I need to feed my OWN spirit, my OWN goals, and my OWN self. There are times when I want to be the center of the universe. Sounds pretty selfish, I know. But it's true. It doesn't make me a bad mother - it makes me an honest and healthy one.

 I am a human Mom - not a saint. 


Do you struggle with feeling selfish for needing some time for yourself? 

Mommy & Me

To some of you who are reading this, you’re probably thinking this is about the fun play times that you get to spend with your little ones. Or maybe you’re thinking of the special time that you carve out for just you and your son or daughter – that bonding time on a Mommy date. Maybe you are thinking of snuggling with your tyke reading a favorite story……for the 7000^th time – you know, the one that you have memorized and simply recite as you turn the pages.

Well…..it is not.

Before we became mommies, we were very different people. We were independent, active, athletic, stylish, artistic, career driven. We had time to read, time to have fun, time to relax, and time to create. We could focus on ourselves, fulfill ourselves and do self affirming things without guilt. We had a sense of who “Me” was.

But all of that changed when the little ones were born.

In that amazing, wonderful, miraculous moment that we gained the title of “Mommy,” “Me” went right out the window. Suddenly our lives transformed from an inward focus to an outward focus as our love and responsibility grew. Parties and pedicures turned to panic and poopy diapers. Worry and walking the floor replaced running with friends. Happy hour and cocktails were replaced by hiccupping and colicky babies. As the days with our newfound title passed, little by little, “Me” became a distant existence of the past.

But……

There comes a point when “Me” comes around. She begins as a tagalong to “Mommy”. Then she tugs on “Mommy’s” skirt. Next she crawls up and rides piggy-back. Before you know it, she has your face in her hands, staring you in the eyes saying “pay attention to Me!” (Does this sound familiar?)

Do you recognize her? Do you embrace her or dismiss her? Once “Me” is there, what do you do with her?

In order to keep sanity, Mommy & Me have to find a way to successfully co-exist. Now I am not saying I am perfect, but as an AZ Mom of Many Hats – and mommy to three daughters, 12, 14, and 19, I have gone through the process of losing, finding, and incorporating my roles as mom and as myself.

It took a lot of soul searching, evaluating, and dedication (yes, it is OK to be dedicated to yourself when you are a mom…...) to find who “Me” was. I fought a war with guilt in deciding to embrace her. And it took a plan of action to assimilate my two selves.

Yes, I did change when I became “Mommy.” But the truth is, “Me” never disappeared. She was and is in the heart of “Mommy.” And although the roles will continue to shift throughout my lifetime, Mommy & Me will never part