Fortyness - Walking a Mile in Their Shoes 2011

I have three beautiful Baby Hats, A,B, and C. They were precious baby girls that are now turning into amazing young women. Am am in awe everyday of who they are and what they are becoming. They truly make a difference in the world, each in their own way. I couldn't be more proud of them.

Being a woman I have always felt like I had an advantage raising girls. I know that many of the things that they will experience will be the same things that I experienced growing up. Heartbreaks, hormones, homework - I can relate. Friendships, fearing the future, feeling awkward at times - I've been there. Sadness, success, silliness of being a teenager - this mom has lived that too. I understand the intricacies and bonds surrounding growing up with sisters. I know the insecurities, the joys, the quirkiness and challenges of growing from a girl into a woman.

I know my babies intimately. I know their hearts.

However, as well as I know them, I know there is much that I don't know about them. They may not reveal every fear, every joy, every interest, or every concern to me. My desire in my fortyness is to know them even more. I want to know them more to help them navigate the roads that lie ahead of them in life. Even though I have traveled them, their own experiences change the terrain. In order to guide or even walk with them, I want to be familiar with the roadblocks, u-turns and forks that they may have to negotiate.

Last year at this time (on my birthday), I gave them each a gift of a pair of white canvas shoes and a pack of permanent markers. I asked of them to cover them with artwork that represented who they are, who they want to be, all their hopes, dreams, fears, disappointments, successes and failures. They could write words, symbols, pictures - what ever it was that gave a picture of who they think they are. Then, I asked them to give them back to me.

The shoes were my size. I wanted to be able to put them on my feet and walk a mile in their shoes, feeling who they saw themselves to be.

The photo below is what I received back from them - beautiful artwork from my beautiful daughters. I see that each one of them sees themselves as beautiful, creative, strong, smart, faithful, loving, sentimental, yet still cherishing and needing the security of the mother daughter bond we have. I am so proud of them

I am so blessed that in my fortyness, I get to walk a mile in their shoes.

Fortyness - When you Stumbled

To my beautiful daughters, I love you forever.

When you were two and you stumbled,
I picked you up
and cradled you until you were all right again.

When you were eight and you stumbled,
I held out my hand to you to raise you up
and hugged you until you were all right again.

When you were sixteen and you stumbled,
I got down on the ground with you and encouraged you until you were back on your feet
and held your hand until you were all right again.

Now, when you stumble,
although my heart breaks and wants to pick you up and cradle you,
I meet your eyes, encouraging you,
knowing that you have the strength to place your feet beneath you and raise yourself up
and I love you through it, until you are all right again.

Photo by Becky Mozilo

Fortyness - Just a few more steps

I am exhausted.

I'm not talking about the my eyes are kind of heavy and I need a catnap kind of tiredness. I am talking about the full body, full brain, and full consciousness kind of exhausted.

You see, I have been on a journey. It's been a long journey. I have had times when I was euphoric at the progress I was making and feeling like I had it all in my hat. I have had days when I felt blocked and the hurdle was just too big to leap over. I have had days when everything seemed to come crashing down, endangering my journey and my chance at reaching my destination. I have shed tears, pulled my hair in exacerbation, thrown my hands up in the air, and laughed like a madwoman to keep from losing my sanity -well maybe I lost a bit of sanity along the way, but that's another story for another day.....

This journey wasn't the journey of raising my kids, although that has been one amazing journey. It wasn't a journey of hitting a physical goal like completing a half marathon - although I've done a couple of those. It was not a journey navigating through a major life disruption and crisis, although I have had plenty of those too. It wasn't even a journey through marriage, financial woes, or friendships. It was the journey of writing a Senior Paper for my Bachelor's degree.

This evening, I put the final period on the final page of my complete draft of a paper that has been my existence for the last three months. Of course through this part of my existence I had to negotiate every other part of my existence (my kids, household, job, family, husband, etc) yet still manage to live, breathe, eat, sleep, and write this paper. I truly felt like I would never finish or survive long enough to finish it. But, I existed in this paper a few steps at a time to get to where I am with it today. This evening I reached the point that I can say that I only have hours of editing left to do instead of weeks of writing. The final period marked the turning point of just a few more steps to go. With that last key stroke, the exhaustion came upon me, and tears began to roll.

This paper process is a lot like life in fortyness. In this phase of life, we have experienced so many things that we thought we could never manage or get through. We have had crisis, responsibility, duty, even goals that seemed impossible. We were tired, haggard, beat up and exhausted from the trip. But we got through them a few steps at a time. We stayed the course, looking a few paces ahead with the end goal somewhere in our consciousness. By just putting one foot in front of the other, we can now look back and see how far we have come. We have reached our goals, or can look ahead and at least see the finish line.

In fortyness, we need to be conscious that many journeys are reaching mileposts, or coming to an end. There are many of those journeys - the uphill climb journeys of raising small children, the "I can't wait to get to this point" journeys, the raising teenager journeys - that when looking back have passed in the blink of an eye. It is a bittersweet thing. There is rest in front of us, but, the journey is where we have learned all the things that make us who we are today.

In my fortyness, I will look back and treasure most of the journeys I have been on. I recognize that not all of them were happy ones, but I will at least be happy that I finished each and every journey that life has taken me on. I am a better person for taking those few more steps to the destination.

Fortyness - Springing Clean!

It is March 22, the second day of spring. The weather has been beautiful, the air crisp and clean, and the desert wild flowers are starting to bloom. It's the time of year that gets us thinking about that cleansing and refreshing ritual.... Spring cleaning.

In the next few weeks there will be tons of garage sale signs and donation trucks about the neighborhood as me and my fellow suburbanites shed our homes of a small portion of what is cluttering our personal spaces. Drawers will be gone through, that old couch will finally leave the den, the knickknacks that have collected dust for years will become the treasure of another. Closets will be emptied of those too tight, tool long, or too old pieces of clothing that we have just held on to in hopes that they will fit us again. What a refreshing feeling it will be....

This year, I will partake in the fastidious festivities of spring cleaning. There is no better way to start a new season than to de-clutter the space you are in. However, I am going to be cleaning out more than just the space between the four walls of my home.

In the third spring of my forytness, I am going to be Springing Clean! I am going to de-clutter me! It is time for those things that I have been hesitant to let go of to be tossed out, recycled, or re-purposed. That weighty bag of self doubt - I'm tired of moving it from one corner to another. That coat of worry - it takes too much energy to wear. Those shoes of desire to please everyone at every turn at every moment - it is about two decades out of fashion. And that nagging urge that I must have everything under control - well it's about as annoying as that sports watch in the junk drawer that beeps every 15 minutes. The time has come for these things to go!

In my fortyness, I want to start this season fresh. With a clean space, a clean spirit, a refreshed heart, and a clear space in my self I can a good footing to spring forward.

But first... I've got to find that sports watch in the junk drawer.... it's driving me nuts......

FORTYNESS..... Helium and Stones

Helium and stones...What does this have to do with fortyness?

At this stage of life most of us have had a lot of life experience. Hopefully most of it has been good, but probably some of it has been not so good either. I have heard the "good stuff" referred to emotional currency deposit or filling the tank, and the bad stuff as withdrawals or emptying of the tank. Both the bank and fuel metaphors are fitting, but I look at it a bit differently. I prefer to think of it as helium and stones.

Our daily lives and travel along a plane. When good things happen, we feel good, happy, and uplifted. You know these things - coming home to a kitchen that was cleaned up by the kids without prompting, hitting every green light on the drive home, finding $20 in the pocket of the jeans you wore a month ago - that's helium. The more good, the higher we feel. The good stuff, like helium, rises us above the normalcy we exist in. It sort of makes us feel like we are floating above the plane of our everydayness. When bad things happen we feel weighed down, frustrated, and question ourselves. The struggles, kids fighting, the routineness of a job, even things that we once embraced can begin to weigh on us.

The helium and stones are contradictory to each other. One lifts us up, one pulls us down. Too much helium and we float out of reality in a constant state that can't be maintained. When we eventually fall back to normal, the thud into reality is pretty painful. When we are bogged down with too many stones we are pulled beneath the surface and suffocate. Weighted with stones climbing back up to normal is pretty tough.

With the perspective, we can keep a balance between the lift of the helium and the weight of the stones. When our feet start to lift, we should keep our eye on the ground so we remember that what we are feeling is good, but it is not what we should expect in every moment of life. When the bad happens, we should keep our gaze up to see that the stones will not always encumber us. We need to keep normal, reality, and real life in our sight. We can also change the perspective of what we define as helium and what we define as stones. Of course we will always have things that make us feel like a we are on a hot air balloon ride and things that feel like boulders crushing us. But, some of the small things in life can be a greater lift....if we let them be. Conversely, some of the stuff that seems so big and heavy can be more like a pebble than a stone if we let them be.

As fortyness sets in, I see I have a lot more control over the plane I am floating in than I realize. I can recognize those things that raise me up and those things that weight me down. I have learned when I need to let go of a balloon to keep sight of the ground, and when to empty stones out of my pockets to make my ascent easier. As the perspective of over 40 years of life experience influences how I look at things, I have learned how embrace and manage my helium and stones.

Hat Tricks Creative Hat - Flip Flops!

This is a fun and easy Hat Trick tip to help you wear your creative hat!

Spring is approaching and here in Arizona that means it is the time for flip flops! Why not spruce up your footwear with a bit of sparkle!

Be sure to check out the Hat Tricks Archives for tips and tricks on juggling your hats!

Fortyness - February is NOT for the Faint of Heart

Ah...February...... The month we celebrate love.

All around us we see bow and arrow armed cherubs, red foil hearts, and words of love donning store displays. If we have children we are in a frenzy to help them decorate a vessel with doilies, paper, and just the right amount of stickers to create the perfect valentine receptacle. TV commercials depict star crossed lovers, sitting hand in hand as they profess their love for each other over a plethora of fine chocolates and candle light. Velvet boxes hiding diamond laden treasures, deep red roses by the dozens, and the perfectly crafted romantic greeting card all become a part of what is the ideal picture of love.

I don't know about you, but I have only had one Valentine's Day that fit the ideal - the first one my husband and I celebrated... twenty years ago.

All the things that are put before as the prototype for celebrating love skew what love really is. Sure, it is nice to have those things and experience the commercial "romance" of it all. However, those things are at best, a spark in the flame of love, a manifestation of infatuation, or a socially created expectation of love. In reality those things do not capture the essence of love.

The essence of love the deep and enduring caring, the patience, the protection, the humbleness, the thoughtfulness, the forgiveness, and the willingness to stay by your beloved's side through thick and thin. It is hard work, dedication, sacrifice, and giving to the other, not receiving. Of course when we love, we need love in return, but the essence of love is not self-centered, but other-centered. It is not for those not willing to put in the effort. It is not for the faint of heart.

In my fortyness, I see the celebration of love in everyday actions, not just in this one month of the year. It is not in flowers or candy or gemstones. It is in the moments that I can see and know how much love I experience. It is in the moments when I am unlovable but receive love anyway. It is in the moments that anger thick, but love is the knife that slices it. It is in the unseemingly romantic instances between me and my husband. It is in the deep love I feel for my children.

Sitting at dinner last night with my husband, he made a comment about Valentine's Day and our daughters. He said, "I want my girls to know that as long as I am around, they will always have a date for Valentine's Day." Seeing how big his heart is, and how deep his love runs.... that is romantic. That is a true celebration of love.