Oh Crap - Just Give Me the Shovel Now...

We all have those Oh Crap moments - the moments we wish we could take back - the moments when we know we are going to regret the words or tone that came out of our mouths, the moments when we wish we had a big shovel to clean up the mess we just made. 

We say the wrong thing, we react the wrong way, we fly off the handle. Our mouth starts moving and some strange force seems to take over. The words pour, the emotions spill, and common sense and logic are running out the back door. And when we hear the door slam, our words slap us in the face, and we wish we could turn back the clock and relive the conversation and interaction we just had.

The recipients of our fling fest are usually the ones closest to us: our spouses, kids and friends. The ones we least want to hurt and most value are the closest target that our mess heads for. Often, the aim is much more accurate and stronger than our intention is good. We don't do it on purpose. But, we are still responsible for it's impact.

Hopefully this doesn't happen very often. But, it will happen even to the most experienced of parents and communicatively skilled of us.

How can we minimize the destruction?

If something spurred the interaction then there was probably something worth discussing. It is our choice of words, our timing, our assumptions, and our own agendas are the launcher that hurls destruction. Being aware of these four areas before, during, and after can help us to be responsible and take personal accountability for how we react and respond.

• Words - Our word choice is crucial in whether the other person is putting on body armor or opening their arms to embrace us. Using divisive (you), accusatory (you always), or minimizing language (your fault, or name calling) automatically backs the other person into a corner. Find words that bring a common place for you to have discussion. Realize that communication is not an I vs. You event. It is a WE event. 

• Timing - Keep in mind that our need to speak does not always match up with another's willingness or readiness to hear. Respect if the other person is not in that place at the moment. Ask if the discussion can continue later and revisit it then. It gives you time to cool down, think about your words as well as giving the other person time to do the same. There will be times when issues need to be addressed very quickly and on the spot - but even then, we can find an appropriate location and way to do it. 

• Assumptions - If you are assuming someone will act a certain way it is probably from past experience. You may prepare for responses and reactions in a defensive way because of the way the last interaction went. You know the script - you know what happens next. Here's the thing.... you are a part of that script. If you change your words, your timing and your assumption, there is no more script. Your interaction becomes intentional ad-lib and can move forward in a different way. If you assume that a person feels a particular way or that they understand your point of view and feelings, think again. You are not in their head or heart. Your words and your timing is what will open up their feelings and their understanding. 

• Agendas - In reality, the only agenda that impacts how we respond and react is our own. To say it is another's agenda is to give away our freedom and power to communicate. As we open our mouths or consider opening them, we have to keep in mind why we are doing it. Are we being ethical (not intending to hurt, minimize, create division) in our agenda? Is this just for me to vent or will this bring out a positive change? Am I using this as a rhetorical event (passive aggressiveness) or do I really want to have a discussion with the person? 

No matter how mature or how much experience we have, not a single one of us can get it right every single time. As moms, dads, mates, bosses, employees, children, friends, we ALL miss this sometimes. We are not alone on this big terrestrial ball... we are all human and we all err. It is not a matter of us being perfect, but in our willingness to be better, and a willingness to apologize and acknowledge when our reaction was not beneficial. We can do better, take responsibility and accountability, and shovel up the mess before those Oh Crap moments.

My Mantra: Today I know that I will work to give my best, be my best, and live my best. I also know that I am a continual work in progress - sometimes needing refining, reflecting and restructuring.

Do you ever wish you could take back what you have said or how you have reacted?

Communication Counts

As I was perusing my plethora of social media the other day, I came across a post that stopped me in my tracks.  It was a post of a person that I followed personally as well as professionally.  This post stood out.  And, it made me think.

Would you stop business or un-follow a person based on the things that they are willing to put in print?

What the actual post I encountered said verbatim really doesn’t matter. But the feeling and the attitude of it did.  It was divisive, it was hurtful, and it was enough to make me question the judgment of the poster. Although it was not directed at me personally, it was a clear slam on a belief of mine. It was not a sharing of their personal beliefs. It was a mocking and attack on others beliefs. That is divisive, and a poor use of words and communication. 

I had been prepared to use this person’s professional services.  They are clearly passionate about what it is they are doing professionally. However, the post made me question their character and decision making abilities.  I chose to not use their services.

Communication Counts.

Sharing about personal experiences or personal beliefs in the context of sharing is a window into who we are. It is welcoming, and lets the other know what we are about and what makes us tick. It creates a space for us to know each other. Sadly, criticizing, slamming, putting down, minimizing, also tells others who we are.  That’s probably not the impression we really want to leave others with.

Once something is said, put in print, or communicated, it can never be totally taken back. The message has been received by someone. Choose words carefully, but be genuine.  Ensure the words, the photo, the captions, communicate the intended message.  Step into a receiver’s shoes and think about the impact it will have on them and the connection or divisions they will feel. Realize that words have a lot of power.  Realize that what is said will have an impact personally and professionally for the person speaking as well as the person hearing.

A great idea, a great opportunity, a great friendship, a great connection, or a great business relationship will never happen if the ability to effectively communicate is not there. Communication is more than just words strung together.  It’s meaning, intent, context, emotion, and timing as well.  Before using the mouth to speak or the fingers to type, it is wise to use the mind to think first.

Realize that communication counts.

Would you unfriend, unfollow, or not do business with someone based on what they communicate? 

The Necessity of Being Needed.

We need to be needed, but neediness of others fuels our own neediness from others, but not being needed leaves us empty with no place to live out our purpose.....

Whew! hat was a mouthful. Pretty tough to type too....

Well hopefully I can clarify.

Being needed is a double edged sword.

We need to be needed. As a parents it is sort of a prerequisite to the job of parenting, meeting the needs expressed and unexpressed of our children. We feed them when they are hungry, clothe them to protect them from the elements, provide them shelter, love them unconditionally, cry with them and comfort them when they need support, cheer them when they need encouragement, discipline them when they are heading down the wrong path, and do all we can to ensure that they make it to the milestone of becoming an independent adult. In essence, our job of "parent" is based on the need of needing someone to meet another person's needs.

As a spouse we need to be needed too. We enter into a relationship and partnership with someone largely because of needs. We have a need for connection, a need for a place where we can mutually share life's burdens and support each other, and a need to have the stability and comfort of a "safe place" with them. There would no reason for a partnership of the people in the relationship did not need each other. In a healthy relationship each should express and feel need.

First side: Being needed acknowledges our purpose.

Being needed, in essence acknowledges us and gives us a sense of purpose - a place to live out who and what we are meant to be. Need and purpose are opposing tensions.... they need each other to exist. We all want to feel that someone needs us, that we do have a reason and a purpose in other peoples lives, and in our own lives. In the spirit of Michale J Hyde (a communication scholar) being needed feeds our purpose or "love of life." This is probably why the "empty nest" phase of life is so hard. We are not as needed on a day to day basis as our kids grow. It's probably a reason why relationships go south - when one or both people are not, or feel that they are not needed, a main purpose for the relationship is gone.

Second side: Being needed can drain us.

Conversely, being too needed can be draining and just as difficult as not being needed. When we are continually needed, we spend all of our efforts meeting the needs of others. Taking care of the need others, (although to some extent an obligation, responsibility and a purpose) saps our energy. We get weighed down and tired as our purpose gets lost in the task and duty of managing them. We need to have our needs met, but can't get them met because they are lost in the neediness (there's that tough thought again!) Again from Hyde, we experience a "suffocating embrace" of our existence. We feel called, lead and want to meet others needs, but the purpose begins to close in on us.

So what's the sheath?

For each of us, the sheath is going to be different.

It might be that we should evaluate why we need to be needed. It it masking another need? Is it our only purpose? We may simply strive to redefine what it truly means to us to be needed. Or in some cases we should re-evaluate relationships and whether the level of need is healthy and appropriate. In dealing with the neediness of others, what may be necessary is to see if our desire to fulfill their neediness is actually healthy and what they do "need," and is it healthy for us to fill it every time.

Whatever the sheath is for each of us, it is about balance. There is a necessity to be needed. Purpose and need exist together. However, if we move too far from either side center, we are going to feel the cut of the blade.

What a Man...What a Mighty Fine Man!

To all my loyal readers, you have probably read about my husband, Mr. Mom of Many Hats.

We have been married for over 17 years now. For the most part, we work very well together. We share similar goals, ideals, values, and outlooks on life. We have done a pretty good job of melding our parenting styles to create a united front and a cohesive plan to raising our children. We have some common interests that we are able so share - hockey, running, healthy lifestyle, among other things. We also have plenty of differences that we both respect and know are essential to our growth not only as individuals, but also as a couple. I think overall, we get a lot of things right.

But like most couples, we have struggled with the whole male/female communication thing. If you read my post Pass the Cheese Please! you probably know about one of our communication breakdowns early in our marriage. Now I must admit that I did not do a wonderful job of communicating a response back to him (my dad made the comment that he knew Mr. Mom of Many Hats was in trouble by the look on my face and the tone in my voice.) And yes.... I did milk it for all I could.

After I posted Pass the Cheese Please! Mr. Mom of Many Hats posted a response that reinforced the reason that I love him so much. Please read Mr. Mom of Many Hats words.....

To my bride: Well written! You have a real talent for relating your experience and perspectives. I'm proud of you.

To everyone else who reads this: I did err when I exclaimed, out loud, my shock at the strange ingredient in the lasagne. It was not fair to my bride. New husbands take note - appreciate the effort even if the results may not be what you expected. While I have since said many stupid things over the last 17 years, I have not repeated that mistake. I must say, though, that I watched my grandmother and my father make lasagne many times and ne'er a cottage cheese container even entered the kitchen! As a matter of fact, if my grandmother had made it that way and I saw cottage cheese go in there, I would not have eaten hers either. I just don't like the stuff. And no, I haven't been spelling lasagne wrong. Check the dictionary, it can end in an 'e' or an 'a'. Just like I suppose it can be made with more than one kind of cheese. I only eat lasagne spelled with an 'e' at the end. I don't like the kind with the 'a' at the end either....

Ti amo!!

I love reading these words. They are witty, honest, and explain his standpoint. In his response, he not only acknowledges where he erred, but he also (rightfully so) defended his viewpoint. He offered sage advice to new husbands and proclaimed his pride in me.

My response back to him is.... What a man....what a mighty fine man!

Do you have a mighty fine man too? Or for that matter, a mighty fine woman? Leave a response and share your story with all of AZ Mom of Many Hat's readers!

Mediator Mommy

How often do you have to intervene in the arguments between your offspring?

I have done a lot of that over the years.

My children are getting older. I have loved watching them grow, watching them flourish, watching them gain intelligence, confidence and independence. I even love that as they have grown, so have their vocabularies. What I don't love is that along with those vocabularies comes the need for me to mediate the flow of the exchanges between them.

We have a good sized house. There is lots of room for everyone. Everyone even has their own room and own sinks in the bathroom. Our kitchen is large enough to prepare food for a small army, our family room couch can seat 8 comfortably (there are only 5 in our family), and we have enough seating capability to have 20 people sit down to a meal in our home.

With all this room, why do my kids always seem to be in the same place at the same time? And why, when they end up in the same place at the same time, do they end up in an argument?

I know that this is part of the growing process. I went through the same thing with my sisters. I know it is way to learn conflict resolution, persuasive communication, and important relationship skills. But still, as the parent, it is daunting.

When they were little, I was much more involved in helping them work through their disagreements (or in just flat out resolving them) than I do now. When they were small, they relied on my mediation and communication to learn how to interact with with one another as well as with others. As they got a bit older, they were able to navigate the arguments and conflicts a little more independently. They still relied on mom the be the ultimate judge - let's face it, our perception of fair is a little more spot on than an 8 year old's. But now that they are in their adolescence, my role really has become much more that of a true mediator. I step in when conflict can't be resolved between them. I step in when I can clearly see that one is getting the raw end of the deal. I step in when one is clearly asserting power over the other. I do my best to help them step back and see each others view point and come to a fair agreement. For the most part, they settle their own disputes. They usually come to a somewhat agreeable resolution, and rarely to I have to be the "judge" anymore.

It is a difficult thing to watch them hone their interpersonal skills. Words fly, feelings are hurt, and lessons are learned - for them as well as for me. But, there is also a great reward as they learn to solve conflicts, become independent, and stand up for themselves in a fair and empathetic way.

"Mom....mom...she's, not..."
"But mommmmmm...."

Watch out, here comes mediator mommy!

Why do I Blog?

I'm not sure what exactly it was that prompted me to start this blog. Maybe it is because I have some deep rooted need to discover who I am outside my obvious roles and hope reaching out in cyberspace will be an incredible journey of discovery. Maybe it's the lure of the new and important role that blogging plays in the dissemination of information. Maybe it is the fact that my middle daughter turned 14 today and.......

Yeah, it's the last one. She turned 14 today, and......well...I am starting to feel old. Not so much in my chronological age (some of you know what that is, to those who don't, it's not polite to ask a woman her age!) It's more in the fact that I am not as savvy in the way a lot of the world is now communicating.

I used to think I was up to date and doing well because a lot of my communication is through e-mail. Even I, who actually loves to get handwritten notes and cards via-snail mail, gave in to the technological convenience of connecting from my computer instead of through my mail box. However, it seems I have fallen behind again.

All of my daughters are way above me when it comes to technology and alternate forms of communication. If you just compared by texting speed, my daughters could text an entire set of encyclopedias (Yes, the hard-back book kind, not cut and pasting from a web page or cd-rom) in the time it would take me to text a sticky-note. When my oldest daughter first told me she was IMing her friends, my first thought was YouAre-ing what? The days of ringing land line phones to make plans to get together with friends has been replaced by a ding from the laptop or a text message chime from a cell phone.

Maybe this blogging will catapult me into the technological present. Maybe I'll will find that journey of discovery or be part of that critical chain of information. Maybe I'll just be sore from the jolt of the catapult.