Monday, August 17, 2009

Goldie Locks and the Three Pairs...Plus a Tattoo

What sort of boundaries do you set for your kids? Are you the type of parent that sets no boundaries and lets them do whatever they want to? Or are you the type of parent that dictates and controls what your child will do? Are you somewhere in the middle?

I think I am somewhere in the middle.

Finding the right boundaries is tough. My goal has been to give my daughters the freedom to express themselves and figure out who they are, yet teach them what they need to know to be a productive member of society. My husband and I give them what we call freedom within boundaries. There are set guidelines until they are 18...and yes, we have had the "When you are 18 you can do whatever you want" discussion many times.

We give them some leeway on things like coloring their hair (at 15 they can as long as it stays in the realm of natural color.) No tattoos before 18, but they can pierce their ears and wear what ever earrings they long as there is only 1 hole in each ear. They are free to find their own style of dress, in what ever genre or mix of genres they want as long as they realize that mom and dad have veto power if it is too revealing. Overall we let them try to figure out who they are and where they fit within their peer groups.

There are things that we have held firm on. We have always expected them to be compassionate to others. We have always expected the to learn from mistakes. We have always expected them to do the things that are of good character such as taking personal responsibility for their actions, to give their best effort, and to honor commitments they have made. Now of course as kids, these things don't always happen - it's hard enough to get this right 100% of the time as an adult let alone as a child. But when they don't get it right, we have let them take the the natural consequences that come along with it, and help them to figure out how to do it differently the next time.

We are not naive....we know that at 18 they still have some self discovery to explore and the boundaries, regardless of where we set them disappear. That is how they create their own identities separate from us. So when our oldest daughter began an onslaught of hair colors (cherry red and black, black with bright pink, platinum blond, and countless others) we knew she was still finding herself. When her ears went from one little diamond in each to 3 or 4, still self discovery. When the tattoo came.....

Bottom line, no matter what anyone thinks of her hair color, her piercing or her tattoo, she is a successful and productive person. She is responsible, honorable, committed, compassionate, dedicated, loving, and faithful. She has become what we hoped for her to be- independent, self motivated, and able to function in the world we live in.

As a parent, I know that the boundaries I set, or don't set, are because I love my kids. I want the best for my kids. I want to shelter them from the things I can shelter them, yet prepare them for the world that they will one day be living in on their own. My duty as a parent is to teach them right from wrong. It is also to teach them to make good decisions, have compassion for others, and to be independent. Regardless of what they are, the boundaries are there to help my children discover and become who they are meant to be.

By the way...her hair adorable. The earrings.... beautiful. The tattoo.... it is of her favorite Psalm - inspirational.


  1. There are so many decisions when it comes to raising children. Boundaries are important, if for no other reason than to teach our children to respect them. The truth is that even though children rebel at times to boundaries; those very boundaries make them feel safe and secure. As our children get older we have to make the boundaries larger so they can grow. It looks like you understood this, and have done a great job of adjusting boundaries as you children grew. Two thumbs up!

  2. I like to think Im in the middle as well, but I know Im more overbearing then anything else. I'm fine with the ear pearcing, clothing style, and things (Maybe not the hair dye just because I dont want them to damage their hair, but that could be a contradiction on my end... I let my teens cut their hair)

    They can wear light makeup, and crazy nail polish... But, Im very overprotective. Well, maybe Im not just those around me make me feel I am.

    It works well for me, look at my step daughter who has complete freedom when at her mother's house. The things she is doing with her freedom are frightening. So, it wieghs out!

    My biological daughter wants piercings everywhere, gauges, and tattoos, Im sire she will give me a heart attack when she turns 18. When that time comes maybe Ill be more relaxed. Good post, thanks for sharing

  3. A child whose decisions are always made for her never learns to make her own decisions. A child whose limits are always set for her never learns to set her own limits. What you and your hubby have done has prepared your daughters for bigger life decisions, so much bigger than hair color or piercings! I would add one thing, though, and it is something I know you have done. We as parents have two major responsibilities. The first is to enable our children to walk in relationship with Jesus Christ, the second is to be independent, responsible, productive, positive members of society. Bravo!

  4. She is lucky to have such a great mom.


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