The ToolBox - Fill the Box Now, Be Their Friend Later

“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.” 

― Anne Frank

I would love it if I could give my kids everything they wanted...

But I can't. 

Even if I could, I wouldn't. My conscience, my judgement, my heart, and my parental responsibility would not let me. 

I would love to be my children's best friend...

But I can't.

Even if I could, I wouldn't. That is not my role. At least it's not my role while they are minor children, under my care, still maturing and growing to adulthood.  I guess I could have taken the role of friend instead of parent, but my conscience, my judgment, my heart, and my parental responsibility would not let me. 

I would have loved to make every path clear, every job easy, every relationship without trouble, every class fun, every game winnable, every action rewardable.... 

But I can't.

Even if I could, I wouldn't.  That may have been in some way possible, but not at all realistic or representative of what life is.  I could shelter them, fight every battle, and make their existence nothing but easy and fun, but my conscience, my judgment, my heart, and my parental responsibility would not let me. 

In the short term, eliminating any wants or obstacles in your children's lives may seem like an expression of love and caring.  It may seem to you that it is a way of taking care of and protecting them.  To make a path easy for them gets them further along the road.  Giving them what they want fulfills their desires for things.  Being a friend instead of holding then accountable and towing the line might feel like it's creating connection.  

The truth: That is the easy road for you. It also creates a tougher road for them when they are out in the world. 

Your job, my job, our job is to be parents and to ready them for the world.  A parent's job is to fill their child's toolbox with the tools they will need to be in it successfully. 

As a grown-up you know that the world is nothing like living at mom and dad's house with them taking care of the necessities of life.  It can be a great place, but it is not always an easy place.  It takes hard work, tenacity, willingness to stretch yourself, understanding and ability to cope with failures along with the successes, and knowing that things don't always go the way you want them to.  You have to problem solve, get along with people you don't always like, sometimes work in situations that are less than what you would like them to be, and earn your successes.  

As parent, it is your job to balance your care and protection with preparing your children for the world- a world that is not going to coddle them.  To do that, they need a toolbox stocked with the tools that will help them build a life in a world that looks very different from mom and dad's house. 

The world will hold them accountable and responsible for their actions. Give them this tool by holding them accountable and responsible for their actions and words. 

The world will not reward them for simply stepping into it.  They will fail at things in life as adults.  Prepare them with the tools for it by letting them fail at things sometimes. It is hard not to save them from it when you can, but the short term benefit of a better feeling in the moment becomes a long term obstacle when they don't know how to accept, learn from, and recover from it in the world. 

The world will not give the everything they want. Just like the rest of us, there will be some things that they get, some things they will have to work for, and some things that just never may come. Give them the tool of having joy with what's in front of them, and the ability to find happiness even when they don't have their every wish fulfilled. Don't grant every "want".  Give them everything they need, and some of what they want - but not everything. Give them the tool of knowing the difference between a need and a want by understanding the difference yourself. 

They will need to learn empathy, sympathy, the ability to feel joy and sadness, how to live a healthy lifestyle, and understanding of money and responsible use of it, self respect, respect for others, determination, tenacity, will, drive, how to rest, how to love... the list of tools goes on and on.  It is parent responsibility to send them into the world with a full tool box. 

It's not an easy job, but you are the best and most influential person for the job. When you are weary and feeling like the "bad guy", just recite this to yourself: Today I know that Parenting is a tiring job but a worthy one. Our duty is to give them the tools they need to be in the world. It is their job to open the tool box and use them.

Be their parent now.  Your reward of being their friend will come. 

Rollercoaster of Life

Doesn't it seem like sometimes we are just strapped into a metal car, careening through life, screaming our heads of, with our hearts pounding out of our chests?


Life is a lot like a rollercoaster ride.


Often in life we are going along smoothly, enjoying the scenery that passes by us. We stop and survey the scenic views that are along our life track. We get comfortable win our jobs, comfortable in our relationships, and comfortable in our habits. The ride is enjoyable. We create a map and a road trip itinerary of where this attraction is going to take us. At a particular point along the road, we'll have a home and a family. At another, careers, accomplishments and accolades are expected. Still another, we have reached a particular status, economic goal or level of independence. No matter what each individual itinerary looks like there is one thing for sure.... the itinerary itself is two dimensional. The points run on a flat line, a horizon, a straight path. Another thing that is for sure is that life is 3 dimensional and runs more like a roller coaster track.

As accelerate through this 3D ride of life, we hit ups and downs, sharp turns, loop de-loops, jarring, and jolting changes in the track. Often in life, like on a roller coaster, we don't see or anticipate the shifts, dips, and drops ahead. Life events come that jar and shake us, turn us upside down and often inside out. We feel like life is tossing us around like a colossal contraption, designed to scare the wits out of us.

In these times we need to sit down, strap in, and throw up our hands.

Sit Down

There is a reason that you don't ride a rollercoaster standing up (at least not back in my day....). Standing up, our center of gravity is different. Although standing allows us to run, it also allows our center of gravity to be compromised. If we sit down, and take some time to absorb and assess what ever it is we are going through, we can better navigate the ride. We can avoid reflex moves that may in the long run, not be in our best interest.

Strap In

Even if we want to get off of the crazy ride, it is in our best interest to stay strapped in until it is over. The straps support our bodies, keep us in the cars, and provide protection for us. Leaning on family, friends, and our integrity is like those straps. If we surround ourselves with the communities that support us, they will help to warn us of and protect us from the dangers of the ride. Our integrity helps us to make the right choices that benefit us in the long run.

Throw our Hands Up

There are sometimes that we just need to let be what will be. Tough and complicated things in life happen to good people - and we very often have no control over it. What we can control however is our response. Of course we need to be responsible in our actions in good and bad situations in life. But if we realize that we can't control everything, we can throw our hands up - not in surrender, but in acceptance that the bumps of life are something we endure regardless of if we want to or not.


The ride called life starts out smooth. We can see the track ahead - it looks straight and easy to travel. We feel comfortable and safe with our safety belts latched. We get in our groove, enjoy the scenery, and enjoy the ride. The all of a sudden our stomachs drop, our bodies shift and jolt. Where the sky was once above us, is now below. We loop, we twist, we scream. The wind is in our face, the breath is stolen from our lungs,and we don't know how we can make it through this ride intact. If we sit down, strap in, and throw our hands up, we will make it to the end of the rollercoaster ride - full of relief or exhilaration from the adventure we have gone through.




How do you manage the rollercoaster ride?